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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Several Probably Killed In Shooting, Lazy Police Report Confirms

AKRON, MI—According to a hastily written police report, anywhere from several to half a dozen people were killed at some point Monday in what officers described as a tragic shooting or stabbing of some kind. "It was hard to get an exact body count, because the ambulances were obstructing our view, and we were in kind of a hurry to make our dinner reservation," wrote Sgt. Ken Morris, who in his description of the scene stated that, from where he was standing, a couple of victims appeared to have been killed execution style. "But if I had to guess, my gut tells me maybe about five people were shot." At press time, details from the one person who witnessed the crime were unavailable, as Morris gave up on the interview when his pen ran out of ink.

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