adBlockCheck

Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added. According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the touching of genitals. The new base will involve "the sliding of the hand between the butt cheeks." Sex officials stressed that the base would only be considered reached if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim, asking Kerr to "prove it."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close