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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid

WICHITA, KS—Wichita 4th District alderperson Alan Klemke, who rode into office four years ago in one of the most stunning political upsets in U.S. history, saw his hopes for a second term dashed Tuesday in the wake of reports he engaged in an extramarital affair with his secretary, Eileen Lundstrom, 48.

Given his widespread support among the American people, Klemke’s reelection had seemed all but assured until The Wichita Eagle broke the sex scandal in a page-two exclusive, suggesting an illicit relationship had begun as far back as the Orchard Breeze neighborhood hazardous waste collection event in May.

“Alan is proud to have served all the great people of Wichita residing in the area bound by South McLean Boulevard and the Wichita Mid-Continent Airport,” Klemke campaign manager and local pool supply store owner Bill Bohlen told reporters. “He considers it an honor to have represented this great district and leaves behind a record of tireless advocacy for new snow-clearing regulations, as well as for securing funds to repaint graffiti-defaced water towers.”

“While he has no comment upon the allegations made in the press, he hopes his retirement from public service will give his wife, his family, and all Wichitanians time to heal,” Bohlen added.

Exit polls indicated the scandal was the primary reason for the defeat of Klemke by Carl Ferguson, whose return to the 4th District alderpersonship may lead to the reversal of sidewalk extension policies and a rolling back of summer hours at the Wichita Public Library’s Lionel D. Alford Branch.

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