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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid

WICHITA, KS—Wichita 4th District alderperson Alan Klemke, who rode into office four years ago in one of the most stunning political upsets in U.S. history, saw his hopes for a second term dashed Tuesday in the wake of reports he engaged in an extramarital affair with his secretary, Eileen Lundstrom, 48.

Given his widespread support among the American people, Klemke’s reelection had seemed all but assured until The Wichita Eagle broke the sex scandal in a page-two exclusive, suggesting an illicit relationship had begun as far back as the Orchard Breeze neighborhood hazardous waste collection event in May.

“Alan is proud to have served all the great people of Wichita residing in the area bound by South McLean Boulevard and the Wichita Mid-Continent Airport,” Klemke campaign manager and local pool supply store owner Bill Bohlen told reporters. “He considers it an honor to have represented this great district and leaves behind a record of tireless advocacy for new snow-clearing regulations, as well as for securing funds to repaint graffiti-defaced water towers.”

“While he has no comment upon the allegations made in the press, he hopes his retirement from public service will give his wife, his family, and all Wichitanians time to heal,” Bohlen added.

Exit polls indicated the scandal was the primary reason for the defeat of Klemke by Carl Ferguson, whose return to the 4th District alderpersonship may lead to the reversal of sidewalk extension policies and a rolling back of summer hours at the Wichita Public Library’s Lionel D. Alford Branch.

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