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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid

WICHITA, KS—Wichita 4th District alderperson Alan Klemke, who rode into office four years ago in one of the most stunning political upsets in U.S. history, saw his hopes for a second term dashed Tuesday in the wake of reports he engaged in an extramarital affair with his secretary, Eileen Lundstrom, 48.

Given his widespread support among the American people, Klemke’s reelection had seemed all but assured until The Wichita Eagle broke the sex scandal in a page-two exclusive, suggesting an illicit relationship had begun as far back as the Orchard Breeze neighborhood hazardous waste collection event in May.

“Alan is proud to have served all the great people of Wichita residing in the area bound by South McLean Boulevard and the Wichita Mid-Continent Airport,” Klemke campaign manager and local pool supply store owner Bill Bohlen told reporters. “He considers it an honor to have represented this great district and leaves behind a record of tireless advocacy for new snow-clearing regulations, as well as for securing funds to repaint graffiti-defaced water towers.”

“While he has no comment upon the allegations made in the press, he hopes his retirement from public service will give his wife, his family, and all Wichitanians time to heal,” Bohlen added.

Exit polls indicated the scandal was the primary reason for the defeat of Klemke by Carl Ferguson, whose return to the 4th District alderpersonship may lead to the reversal of sidewalk extension policies and a rolling back of summer hours at the Wichita Public Library’s Lionel D. Alford Branch.

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