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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Sexually Frustrated Woman Just One Of The Guys

Valetta’s male friends say the sexually starved woman is “really cool” and not at all like other women they know.
Valetta’s male friends say the sexually starved woman is “really cool” and not at all like other women they know.

ASPINWALL, PA—Noting that the 26-year-old with unfulfilled physical needs is easygoing and really fun to hang out with, several of Sarah Valetta’s male friends told reporters Tuesday that the sexually frustrated woman is pretty much one of the guys.

Sources close to the situation confirmed that the woman, who is constantly consumed by carnal longing, is remarkably laid-back, easy to talk to, and generally willing to grab a beer without much advance notice.

“Sarah’s really awesome,” said Valetta’s friend Mark McKean, 27, explaining that the perennially single, sexually pent-up woman is completely comfortable kicking back and watching sports, playing cards, or just shooting the shit. “We’ll go out to the bars, we’ll be joking around, and she joins right in. You can say pretty much anything around her.”

“The thing is, I’m not that great at talking to women, but with Sarah, it’s not like that,” McKean continued. “She’s not dramatic; you don’t have to walk around on eggshells with her. Sarah never gets mad about stupid little things. She’s definitely one of the gang.”

Valetta, who frequently spends time with the group of friends at their apartments or at local dive bars and aches deeply for romantic affection, is widely regarded by her male companions as “the coolest girl” they have ever met. In addition, the marketing associate who is preoccupied with fears that she is invisible to men is reportedly more fun to be around than any other woman, according to the men interviewed.

“You don’t have to be on guard around her,” said coworker and friend Ted Reiner, 26, a man to whom Valetta gives “awesome” dating advice and whom she has specifically styled her hair and clothes to please and hopefully arouse. “I don’t have to worry about what I say to her. I’m never trying to impress her or anything. Plus, she’s not high-maintenance at all. And she’s not crazy or clingy or anything.”

“She’s just fits right in with the rest of us,” Reiner added. “A lot of the time we’re having so much fun laughing and joking openly with each other about women or sex that we forget she’s even a girl. She’s that cool.”

Emphasizing his appreciation for Valetta’s spontaneity, bawdy sense of humor, and love of action movies—all attributes that his own girlfriend does not possess—Reiner said that the tautly wound ball of sexual yearning is a cherished member of his friend group.

The undersexed woman, who reportedly feels an agonizing mixture of longing and despair whenever she spends time with her male friends, told reporters that she is lucky to have them.

“Those guys are the best,” said Valetta, whose acute, hidden craving for sexual contact is ever present and permeates nearly every one of her thoughts. “They’re such a blast. I’m always going over to one of their places to watch TV, order some food, [get so sexually distracted that I can barely focus on anything but my own carnal starvation, and then as soon as I get home descend into debilitating worries that I’ll always be this terribly, unfathomably alone]. We have a lot of fun.”

“Plus, it’s just a load off to have friends who I can be totally myself around,” Valetta added.

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