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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl Recaptured By Taliban After Wandering Off Texas Base

WASHINGTON—Just weeks after Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl’s release from captivity in Afghanistan, U.S. defense officials announced that the 28-year-old had been recaptured by Taliban forces Monday shortly after wandering off base in Texas. “It is with regret that we inform you that at approximately 1200 hours today, Sgt. Bergdahl left his post, was seized by insurgents outside San Antonio, and taken into Taliban custody,” said Pentagon spokesman John Herndon, explaining that, on his first day back on active duty, Bergdahl slipped out of Fort Sam Houston with only a backpack and a notebook, ventured for five miles on foot, and was shortly thereafter abducted by a group of militant jihadists, a sequence of events that was largely corroborated by Bergdahl himself in a Taliban propaganda video released this afternoon. “Based on emails he sent this morning, it appears that Sgt. Bergdahl may have grown disillusioned with his return to service and voluntarily ventured outside the base. We have reclassified him as ‘missing/captured,’ and the U.S. Army will do everything in its power to secure his release and repatriate him, once again, to the United States.” At press time, a spokesman for the Obama administration announced that the president was currently in negotiations to hand over five high-value Taliban prisoners in exchange for Bergdahl.

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