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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl Recaptured By Taliban After Wandering Off Texas Base

WASHINGTON—Just weeks after Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl’s release from captivity in Afghanistan, U.S. defense officials announced that the 28-year-old had been recaptured by Taliban forces Monday shortly after wandering off base in Texas. “It is with regret that we inform you that at approximately 1200 hours today, Sgt. Bergdahl left his post, was seized by insurgents outside San Antonio, and taken into Taliban custody,” said Pentagon spokesman John Herndon, explaining that, on his first day back on active duty, Bergdahl slipped out of Fort Sam Houston with only a backpack and a notebook, ventured for five miles on foot, and was shortly thereafter abducted by a group of militant jihadists, a sequence of events that was largely corroborated by Bergdahl himself in a Taliban propaganda video released this afternoon. “Based on emails he sent this morning, it appears that Sgt. Bergdahl may have grown disillusioned with his return to service and voluntarily ventured outside the base. We have reclassified him as ‘missing/captured,’ and the U.S. Army will do everything in its power to secure his release and repatriate him, once again, to the United States.” At press time, a spokesman for the Obama administration announced that the president was currently in negotiations to hand over five high-value Taliban prisoners in exchange for Bergdahl.

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