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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Shackled Kerry Looks On As Chechen Terror Leader Removes Mask To Reveal Scarred Face Of Former Mentor

GROZNY, RUSSIA—Coming eye to eye with the mysterious guerrilla mastermind he had been hunting for the past several years, a shackled Secretary of State John Kerry looked on Thursday as a notorious and brutal Chechen terror leader removed his mask to reveal the scarred face of Kerry’s former mentor. “No, it can’t be—the explosion in Iran, the fire—you’ve been dead 15 years,” said the bruised and bloodied U.S. cabinet official, staring in disbelief at the former black-ops expert who had taken Kerry under his wing and spent years training him in espionage, explosives, and martial arts before his apparent death while sabotaging an Iranian oil pipeline. “It’s been you this whole time, hasn’t it? You were behind the kidnapping of the Russian attaché, the uranium stolen from Seversk—all of it. How could you turn your back on everything we fought for? I looked up to you. I trusted you!” At press time, Kerry was promising his mentor that he had watched him die once and he would do it again.

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