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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Shadow Government Getting Too Large To Meet In Marriott Conference Room B

COLUMBUS, OH—With its membership swelling in recent months, the mysterious organization that secretly pulls the levers of American power was forced to suspend its weekly meeting Monday, having grown too big to fit inside Marriott Conference Room B. "To successfully carry out our clandestine operations and continue maintaining the ignorance of the masses, we will now require the full amenities of Conference Room A," said an unidentified man, who is believed to have covertly orchestrated the economic collapse of Iceland last year. "We must postpone the Cataclysmic Event until such time as a more comfortable meeting space is available." According to confidential records, the hidden regime's enrollment has more than doubled since it gained free access to the Marriott's swimming pool and gym facilities.

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