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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Shaggy Dog Too Late to Cheer Up Dying Boy

BOSTON—Terminally ill 5-year-old Timmy McWinn, formerly of Medford, MA, had one wish before his tragic death last week: to be visited one last time by Bruiser, the McWinn family’s loyal and devoted English Sheepdog. Bruiser was McWinn’s companion and best friend during the better part of his short life.

Bruiser, seen here two weeks before being accidentally abandoned in Canada by the McWinns, trekked 3,500 miles to see young Timmy (inset), but arrived too late, finding the boy in his final death throes.

Unfortunately, the lumbering, lovable canine did not arrive in time to cheer up Timmy, and instead of making his last moments on Earth more bearable, he merely added to the uncontrollable agony and horror the boy felt during his final death throes.

“Bruiser was Timmy’s best pal and play friend,” Timmy’s father, James McWinn said. “He provided him with his only real moments of joy. So when we accidentally left the dog behind after a family trip to Canada, Timmy was understandably heartbroken.”

McWinn’s condition worsened after returning from Canada, victimized by a degenerative brain disease which slowly ate away at his mind. Doctors could find no cure, leaving Jimmy with one dream and one dream only: that one day, before he left this earth, he would once again hold Bruiser in his tiny arms.

Despite flyers, mailings, inquiries with Canadian mounted police and a posted reward, the McWinns’ efforts to locate Bruiser roundly failed. No word of the sheepdog’s whereabouts came to the anxious family.

“We’d given up hope,” McWinn said. “Until one day, well, I guess what you’d have to call a miracle occurred.”

According to McWinn, sketchy reports began to trickle in that a dog matching Bruiser’s description had been spotted making its way across the country to where the dying Timmy lay. Bruiser, driven only by his love, was making his way across a continent, just to be with his pal Timmy again.

The McWinns, as well as the hospital staff and a crowd of well-wishing onlookers, were overjoyed when a weathered, weary Bruiser arrived in the parking lot of Children’s Hospital. Eagerly, the group rushed Bruiser to be at Timmy’s side, but it was too late.

“Timmy was still alive, but his higher brain functions had deteriorated to the point where he could not recognize the dog,” said Dr. Dan Pangloss, McWinn’s physician. “When he saw the large dog’s slavering jaws, he felt only one thing—stark, heart-stopping terror.”

Timmy began screaming what onlookers originally mistook for cries of joy. Only after several minutes could they make out the child’s actual words.

“He was yelling, ‘Get it off me! Get it off me! Make giant monster go away!’” nurse Ellen Bram said. “I tried to push the dog closer to Timmy’s failing eyes so he could make out the dog’s face, but he only screamed louder, calling on mommy to save him from the hungry, hairy demon. I’ll never forget how his little voice trilled into a macabre falsetto of sheer, unbridled agony.”

Timmy’s eyes rolled up into his head, and his diminutive body was racked by a series of painful convulsions. Within moments, and well before the dog could be removed, he was dead.

“It’s safe to say his death could not have been more horrific,” a hospital spokeswoman said.

Bruiser was immediately shot, and the dog’s corpse beheaded for laboratory testing.

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