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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Shaken Secretary Of Transportation Reduces Speed Limit To 5 MPH After Witnessing Accident

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed limit to five miles per hour, effective immediately. "There was just twisted metal everywhere, and this one guy had blood all over the side of his face and the paramedics kept telling him to stay awake—it was so bad, you don't even know," said a trembling LaHood, adding that if Americans had seen what he just saw, they would think twice about ever getting behind the wheel again. "People forget that cars are these big, heavy, fast-moving things that can just utterly destroy you. Make the slightest mistake at 65 mph and you could end up dead in an instant. Literally an instant." LaHood later stated Americans should drive only when absolutely necessary because they definitely don't want to end up like that one guy.

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