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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Shaken Secretary Of Transportation Reduces Speed Limit To 5 MPH After Witnessing Accident

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed limit to five miles per hour, effective immediately. "There was just twisted metal everywhere, and this one guy had blood all over the side of his face and the paramedics kept telling him to stay awake—it was so bad, you don't even know," said a trembling LaHood, adding that if Americans had seen what he just saw, they would think twice about ever getting behind the wheel again. "People forget that cars are these big, heavy, fast-moving things that can just utterly destroy you. Make the slightest mistake at 65 mph and you could end up dead in an instant. Literally an instant." LaHood later stated Americans should drive only when absolutely necessary because they definitely don't want to end up like that one guy.

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