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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Shaken Secretary Of Transportation Reduces Speed Limit To 5 MPH After Witnessing Accident

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed limit to five miles per hour, effective immediately. "There was just twisted metal everywhere, and this one guy had blood all over the side of his face and the paramedics kept telling him to stay awake—it was so bad, you don't even know," said a trembling LaHood, adding that if Americans had seen what he just saw, they would think twice about ever getting behind the wheel again. "People forget that cars are these big, heavy, fast-moving things that can just utterly destroy you. Make the slightest mistake at 65 mph and you could end up dead in an instant. Literally an instant." LaHood later stated Americans should drive only when absolutely necessary because they definitely don't want to end up like that one guy.

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