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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis

HARTFORD, CT—Employees at Trustwell Insurance expressed shock and embarrassment Monday upon noticing that senior sales associate Mark Hansel had a visibly flaccid penis just sitting there underneath his khaki pants and was making absolutely zero effort to conceal it from his colleagues. “It was like, Christ, we can totally tell that your limp penis is right there behind a layer of fabric, Mark, and you don’t even have the decency to cover yourself up?” accounts analyst Alexis Crawford told reporters, adding that she forced herself to look away out of politeness after seeing Hansel’s completely unerect penis just hanging there, concealed beneath his khakis. “His flaccid genitals were practically staring us all in the face, covered in nothing but his khaki pants, and presumably a pair of boxers or briefs of some kind. And yet Mark didn’t try to sit down or block our view with a file folder or anything. I mean, good Lord, I didn’t come to work to see a peep show.” At press time, numerous office sources were considering reporting Hansel’s actions to corporate as an act of sexual harassment.

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