adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis

HARTFORD, CT—Employees at Trustwell Insurance expressed shock and embarrassment Monday upon noticing that senior sales associate Mark Hansel had a visibly flaccid penis just sitting there underneath his khaki pants and was making absolutely zero effort to conceal it from his colleagues. “It was like, Christ, we can totally tell that your limp penis is right there behind a layer of fabric, Mark, and you don’t even have the decency to cover yourself up?” accounts analyst Alexis Crawford told reporters, adding that she forced herself to look away out of politeness after seeing Hansel’s completely unerect penis just hanging there, concealed beneath his khakis. “His flaccid genitals were practically staring us all in the face, covered in nothing but his khaki pants, and presumably a pair of boxers or briefs of some kind. And yet Mark didn’t try to sit down or block our view with a file folder or anything. I mean, good Lord, I didn’t come to work to see a peep show.” At press time, numerous office sources were considering reporting Hansel’s actions to corporate as an act of sexual harassment.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close