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Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis

HARTFORD, CT—Employees at Trustwell Insurance expressed shock and embarrassment Monday upon noticing that senior sales associate Mark Hansel had a visibly flaccid penis just sitting there underneath his khaki pants and was making absolutely zero effort to conceal it from his colleagues. “It was like, Christ, we can totally tell that your limp penis is right there behind a layer of fabric, Mark, and you don’t even have the decency to cover yourself up?” accounts analyst Alexis Crawford told reporters, adding that she forced herself to look away out of politeness after seeing Hansel’s completely unerect penis just hanging there, concealed beneath his khakis. “His flaccid genitals were practically staring us all in the face, covered in nothing but his khaki pants, and presumably a pair of boxers or briefs of some kind. And yet Mark didn’t try to sit down or block our view with a file folder or anything. I mean, good Lord, I didn’t come to work to see a peep show.” At press time, numerous office sources were considering reporting Hansel’s actions to corporate as an act of sexual harassment.

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