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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Shane Victorino Really Thought Phillies Could Avoid 10,000th Loss

PHILADELPHIA—Following the Phillies' 45th loss of the season—the historic and much-discussed 10,000th in franchise history—Philadelphia right-fielder Shane Victorino expressed surprise and disappointment, saying that he felt the milestone of failure could have been avoided if his team had "just played a little better." "After how much we've practiced and all the recent talk about the importance of winning, I really didn't anticipate another loss for this ballclub," Victorino told a group of reporters in the Phillies locker room. "Ever. Take the talent we have coming up through the farm system, mix in a few smart trades, and above all play smarter, and we never would have had to know what 10,000 losses feels like." Victorino went on to explain how, with increasing international tensions and the ever-present possibility of global thermonuclear war, the Phillies may still be able to avoid their 11,000th loss.

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