adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Shane Victorino Really Thought Phillies Could Avoid 10,000th Loss

PHILADELPHIA—Following the Phillies' 45th loss of the season—the historic and much-discussed 10,000th in franchise history—Philadelphia right-fielder Shane Victorino expressed surprise and disappointment, saying that he felt the milestone of failure could have been avoided if his team had "just played a little better." "After how much we've practiced and all the recent talk about the importance of winning, I really didn't anticipate another loss for this ballclub," Victorino told a group of reporters in the Phillies locker room. "Ever. Take the talent we have coming up through the farm system, mix in a few smart trades, and above all play smarter, and we never would have had to know what 10,000 losses feels like." Victorino went on to explain how, with increasing international tensions and the ever-present possibility of global thermonuclear war, the Phillies may still be able to avoid their 11,000th loss.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close