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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Shane Victorino's Parents Bracing For Annual Spring Training Drop-Off Tantrum

WAILUKU, HI—Michael and Joycelyn Victorino told reporters Friday that they are preparing to deal with their tantrum-prone 30-year-old son, Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino, who they said will undoubtedly throw another hissy fit before being dragged out of the car and dropped off at spring training. "It's just a matter of time. Once he sees us packing his clothes and his baseball equpiment, his face gets all red and he starts shaking," said mother Joycelyn, adding that they tried to get Victorino's grandfather to take him to Clearwater, FL, but he was unavailable. "He's going to cry and kick and scream the whole ride there. 'Don't make me go! None of the other players like me!' All that crap. Frankly, I'm just happy to have him out of my hair for a few weeks." Victorino's parents said they hope they don't have a repeat of last year, when Phillies manager Charlie Manuel had to call them back to the spring training facility to pick up their bawling son.

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