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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Shane Victorino's Parents Bracing For Annual Spring Training Drop-Off Tantrum

WAILUKU, HI—Michael and Joycelyn Victorino told reporters Friday that they are preparing to deal with their tantrum-prone 30-year-old son, Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino, who they said will undoubtedly throw another hissy fit before being dragged out of the car and dropped off at spring training. "It's just a matter of time. Once he sees us packing his clothes and his baseball equpiment, his face gets all red and he starts shaking," said mother Joycelyn, adding that they tried to get Victorino's grandfather to take him to Clearwater, FL, but he was unavailable. "He's going to cry and kick and scream the whole ride there. 'Don't make me go! None of the other players like me!' All that crap. Frankly, I'm just happy to have him out of my hair for a few weeks." Victorino's parents said they hope they don't have a repeat of last year, when Phillies manager Charlie Manuel had to call them back to the spring training facility to pick up their bawling son.

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