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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Shaq Asks To Have Injured Hip Replaced With Lasers

LOS ANGELES—Following a medical appointment Monday in which he sought treatment for a hip injury that has sidelined him for the past five games, Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal told reporters he has asked doctors to use their science to replace his ailing hip with intense beams of highly focused coherent light. "'The Real Deal' can no longer afford to be slowed down by physical bones, which refuse to stop hurting," the four-time NBA champion, who has not played since Dec. 22, told reporters Wednesday. "So I told them to just open me up and bolt in some lasers, so I can get back out on the court and help my team. I'm thinking maybe they should replace my entire skeleton. Some of those bones have been weighing me down for too long." Although Heat coach Pat Riley felt the bursitis in O'Neal's hip would heal in a couple of weeks without the use of high-energy stimulated radiation implants, he expressed concern after learning "Doctor Shaq" would perform the laser hip transplant on himself if he could not find a surgeon for the procedure.

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