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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Shaq Prepares For New TNT Job By Doing Research On Talking

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to prepare for his new analyst job on TNT’s Inside The NBA, 15-time All-Star center Shaquille O’Neal has reportedly spent the past two weeks gathering “crucial data” by studying reference books, conducting online searches, and using observational methods to learn more about talking. “Through my in-depth investigation of this fascinating subject, I have discovered that talking will be key to verbally expressing my thoughts, ideas, and opinions about the sport of basketball,” said O’Neal, scribbling in a small notebook filled with elaborate diagrams and mathematical equations. “Although I’ve revised some of my earlier theories on talking, I now believe that thoughts are first formed in the brain and then travel to the tongue, which is used to make the mouth speak words that are strung together in order to create specific comments such as ‘That guy can jump,’ and ‘Steve Nash.’” O’Neal added that he is also spending six hours each day learning how to sit in a chair without falling over.

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