adBlockCheck

Sports

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Shaq Spends Entire 'Inside The NBA' Segment Analyzing Size Of Own Hands

ATLANTA—Shaquille O’Neal dedicated an entire five-minute segment of Inside The NBA Wednesday to an in-depth analysis of the size of his own hands, observing on several occasions that the fingers seemed to be growing right before his eyes. “Just look at these huge things—I’m pretty sure they’re bigger than they were a couple seconds ago,” said O’Neal, who carefully surveyed the hands by holding them several inches from his face. “I could pick up a basketball with a thumb and index finger. Wait a second. These aren’t my hands. Somebody switched my normal hands with these gigantic ones when I was getting ready for the show.” After the segment, O’Neal reportedly asked TNT producers for an ax, several rolls of masking tape, and his regular hands.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close