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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Shaq Spends Entire 'Inside The NBA' Segment Analyzing Size Of Own Hands

ATLANTA—Shaquille O’Neal dedicated an entire five-minute segment of Inside The NBA Wednesday to an in-depth analysis of the size of his own hands, observing on several occasions that the fingers seemed to be growing right before his eyes. “Just look at these huge things—I’m pretty sure they’re bigger than they were a couple seconds ago,” said O’Neal, who carefully surveyed the hands by holding them several inches from his face. “I could pick up a basketball with a thumb and index finger. Wait a second. These aren’t my hands. Somebody switched my normal hands with these gigantic ones when I was getting ready for the show.” After the segment, O’Neal reportedly asked TNT producers for an ax, several rolls of masking tape, and his regular hands.

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