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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Shaq To Guest Referee Game 1 Of Eastern Conference Championship

ORLANDO—NBA commissioner David Stern interrupted the halftime ceremony of the Sixers-Magic game Wednesday to announce that Shaquille O'Neal would be returning to the court this postseason, not as a player, but as a guest referee in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Championship. "It's time I brought the law enforcement back into the NBA," Stern said as he introduced the unsmiling O'Neal, who glowered at the crowd while wearing a black-and-white-striped referee shirt with the sleeves cut off. "He won't let any of you get away with the crap you're pulling with the current refs. Shaq Attack is back—and in full effect." In addition to O'Neal, Stern has appointed Vince Carter to serve as "The Enforcer," whose job is to check tickets and sell concessions at all games.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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