adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Shaq To Solidify Celtics' Ability To Get 3-Second Violations

BOSTON—NBA analyst David Aldridge said Wednesday that with the addition of Shaquille O'Neal, the Celtics have vastly improved their chances of leading the league in three-second lane violations for the 2010–2011 season. "Not only does Shaq's presence in the paint give his team more opportunities to turn the ball over, but the Celtics have also added an experienced big man who makes an already old team significantly older," said Aldridge, adding that O'Neal should fill a key role in terms of drastically slowing down the Celtics' offense. "Danny Ainge was looking for someone with size who can't make it down to the other end of the court, and he went out and got the best in the business." Aldridge added that while O'Neal isn't the dominant force he once was, he believes Shaq still has a thing or two to teach teams who think it's a good idea to sign him.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close