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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Shaq To Solidify Celtics' Ability To Get 3-Second Violations

BOSTON—NBA analyst David Aldridge said Wednesday that with the addition of Shaquille O'Neal, the Celtics have vastly improved their chances of leading the league in three-second lane violations for the 2010–2011 season. "Not only does Shaq's presence in the paint give his team more opportunities to turn the ball over, but the Celtics have also added an experienced big man who makes an already old team significantly older," said Aldridge, adding that O'Neal should fill a key role in terms of drastically slowing down the Celtics' offense. "Danny Ainge was looking for someone with size who can't make it down to the other end of the court, and he went out and got the best in the business." Aldridge added that while O'Neal isn't the dominant force he once was, he believes Shaq still has a thing or two to teach teams who think it's a good idea to sign him.

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