OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Shaq Wondering When People In Southern Hemisphere Have March Madness

ATLANTA—Noting that things get “really messed up if you cross Earth’s middle,” Shaquille O’Neal reportedly wondered Tuesday when people in the Southern Hemisphere have March Madness. “I don’t think Australia or Tokyo have March Madness for another few months, because right now it’s October down there,” said O’Neal, adding that the regular season would likely continue until the end of November, which he claimed comes immediately before March in the “under parts.” “It’s probably pretty weird playing basketball down in the bottom places like Antarctica. The ball spins in the opposite direction, and I heard the possession arrow is flipped, too. It’s all backwards and stuff. Plus, after dunks you have to hang onto the rim so you don’t float away.” O’Neal then cautioned that players in other regions of the world must factor in the time zone difference when watching the shot clock.

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