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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Shaq Wondering When People In Southern Hemisphere Have March Madness

ATLANTA—Noting that things get “really messed up if you cross Earth’s middle,” Shaquille O’Neal reportedly wondered Tuesday when people in the Southern Hemisphere have March Madness. “I don’t think Australia or Tokyo have March Madness for another few months, because right now it’s October down there,” said O’Neal, adding that the regular season would likely continue until the end of November, which he claimed comes immediately before March in the “under parts.” “It’s probably pretty weird playing basketball down in the bottom places like Antarctica. The ball spins in the opposite direction, and I heard the possession arrow is flipped, too. It’s all backwards and stuff. Plus, after dunks you have to hang onto the rim so you don’t float away.” O’Neal then cautioned that players in other regions of the world must factor in the time zone difference when watching the shot clock.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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