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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Shaq Wondering When People In Southern Hemisphere Have March Madness

ATLANTA—Noting that things get “really messed up if you cross Earth’s middle,” Shaquille O’Neal reportedly wondered Tuesday when people in the Southern Hemisphere have March Madness. “I don’t think Australia or Tokyo have March Madness for another few months, because right now it’s October down there,” said O’Neal, adding that the regular season would likely continue until the end of November, which he claimed comes immediately before March in the “under parts.” “It’s probably pretty weird playing basketball down in the bottom places like Antarctica. The ball spins in the opposite direction, and I heard the possession arrow is flipped, too. It’s all backwards and stuff. Plus, after dunks you have to hang onto the rim so you don’t float away.” O’Neal then cautioned that players in other regions of the world must factor in the time zone difference when watching the shot clock.

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