Shaquille O'Neal Stands Flat-Footed Under Basket For Entire Game

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Vol 43 Issue 48

Lone Gunman Envied By Married Gunman

LOS ANGELES—"Running around firing indiscriminately into a crowd—now that's someone who doesn't have to wake up and go furniture shopping tomorrow," said Henderson.

D.C. Tops In AIDS

The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Shaquille O'Neal Stands Flat-Footed Under Basket For Entire Game

MIAMI—In a 10-point, three-rebound performance against the Seattle Supersonics last Wednesday, once-dominant 35-year-old Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal played the entire 48 minutes of regulation while standing in the same exact position inches outside the key, only occasionally shifting his arms and refusing to "walk all the way over there" to the bench for substitutions. "I'm still Shaq Diesel," a hunched-over O'Neal told a group of reporters strung along the baseline of the basket while awaiting his team to return from the halftime break. "I started out as a young ninja and defeated all of the shoguns. I am The Big Shogun now, and I'm holding my spot. There won't be another one after me." After taking a moment to catch his breath, O'Neal added that he was looking forward to dominating even more in the second half, as he would then be playing defense.

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