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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Shaquille O'Neal Stands Flat-Footed Under Basket For Entire Game

MIAMI—In a 10-point, three-rebound performance against the Seattle Supersonics last Wednesday, once-dominant 35-year-old Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal played the entire 48 minutes of regulation while standing in the same exact position inches outside the key, only occasionally shifting his arms and refusing to "walk all the way over there" to the bench for substitutions. "I'm still Shaq Diesel," a hunched-over O'Neal told a group of reporters strung along the baseline of the basket while awaiting his team to return from the halftime break. "I started out as a young ninja and defeated all of the shoguns. I am The Big Shogun now, and I'm holding my spot. There won't be another one after me." After taking a moment to catch his breath, O'Neal added that he was looking forward to dominating even more in the second half, as he would then be playing defense.

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