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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex

PHILADELPHIA—A shared memory of the Nickelodeon series You Can't Do That On Television resulted in the act of sexual intercourse between two 26-year-olds Friday, sources reported. "Somehow the show came up, and she remembered how the trigger for getting slimed was saying 'I don't know,'" said paralegal Mike Siddeitch, whose faint recollection of a sketch involving a South American military officer, a firing squad, and a child tied to a post was warmly received by medical student Emily Bryant and was directly responsible for the three hours of casual lovemaking that occurred later that evening. "It's so weird how stuff like that from your childhood sticks in your memory." Shortly after waking up the next morning, the pair simultaneously named the show's disheveled hamburger chef—Barth Bagge—setting off another round of manic copulation.

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