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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Shared Memory Of Children's Television Show Leads To Sex

PHILADELPHIA—A shared memory of the Nickelodeon series You Can't Do That On Television resulted in the act of sexual intercourse between two 26-year-olds Friday, sources reported. "Somehow the show came up, and she remembered how the trigger for getting slimed was saying 'I don't know,'" said paralegal Mike Siddeitch, whose faint recollection of a sketch involving a South American military officer, a firing squad, and a child tied to a post was warmly received by medical student Emily Bryant and was directly responsible for the three hours of casual lovemaking that occurred later that evening. "It's so weird how stuff like that from your childhood sticks in your memory." Shortly after waking up the next morning, the pair simultaneously named the show's disheveled hamburger chef—Barth Bagge—setting off another round of manic copulation.

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