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Shaun White Has Xtremely Lazy Day

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Shaun White Has Xtremely Lazy Day

CARLSBAD, CA—Sources close to Shaun White confirm that the snowboarder spent an Xtremely lazy day in bed Wednesday, lethargically performing numerous inactivities with ease. White reportedly started the day in a goofy-faced stance with his feet firmly secured to his headboard, performed a body varial over the course of the next two hours in which he rotated 180 degrees and landed in an full belly sprawl, successfully transitioning through a never-before-attempted 720-degree spin through his bedding. "Shaun just makes his inertia work for him," said Burton Snowboard spokesperson Leigh Ault. "You can't learn that kind of thing. You just have to be born that relaxed." White's flawless run concluded when he grabbed the leading edge of his blaring clock radio, executed a hand plant on the snooze button, landed safely in a pile of pillows, and did not move from that position for the next 10 hours.

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