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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Shaun White Has Xtremely Lazy Day

CARLSBAD, CA—Sources close to Shaun White confirm that the snowboarder spent an Xtremely lazy day in bed Wednesday, lethargically performing numerous inactivities with ease. White reportedly started the day in a goofy-faced stance with his feet firmly secured to his headboard, performed a body varial over the course of the next two hours in which he rotated 180 degrees and landed in an full belly sprawl, successfully transitioning through a never-before-attempted 720-degree spin through his bedding. "Shaun just makes his inertia work for him," said Burton Snowboard spokesperson Leigh Ault. "You can't learn that kind of thing. You just have to be born that relaxed." White's flawless run concluded when he grabbed the leading edge of his blaring clock radio, executed a hand plant on the snooze button, landed safely in a pile of pillows, and did not move from that position for the next 10 hours.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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