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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Shaven, Cologned Grandpa Heads Into Town To Rake In D-Day Pussy

RICHMOND, VA—After applying several spritzes of cologne to his freshly shaven face, 87-year-old World War II veteran Roger Sarlo confidently left his home Thursday to go reel in some top-shelf D-Day anniversary pussy, the grandfather of five confirmed. “I have my garrison cap nice and pressed with all the pins on the sides, so now it’s time to head out and get me some of that sweet I-stormed-the-beach-at-Normandy snatch,” said Sarlo, claiming that he expects to be “positively drenched in cooch” by mid-afternoon. “Plus, I dusted off my old military jacket and put my medals right there on the breast pocket. That’s usually guaranteed to get at least one or two pairs of panties sopping.” At press time, Sarlo was saluting an American flag in a local park and “waiting for the beaver train to come rolling in.”

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