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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Shaven, Cologned Grandpa Heads Into Town To Rake In D-Day Pussy

RICHMOND, VA—After applying several spritzes of cologne to his freshly shaven face, 87-year-old World War II veteran Roger Sarlo confidently left his home Thursday to go reel in some top-shelf D-Day anniversary pussy, the grandfather of five confirmed. “I have my garrison cap nice and pressed with all the pins on the sides, so now it’s time to head out and get me some of that sweet I-stormed-the-beach-at-Normandy snatch,” said Sarlo, claiming that he expects to be “positively drenched in cooch” by mid-afternoon. “Plus, I dusted off my old military jacket and put my medals right there on the breast pocket. That’s usually guaranteed to get at least one or two pairs of panties sopping.” At press time, Sarlo was saluting an American flag in a local park and “waiting for the beaver train to come rolling in.”

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