adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office

WASHINGTON, DC—Secret Service agent Martin Bowhan was unable to explain to his direct superior how Electrolux sales representative Don Karn managed to breach White House security Monday. "[Karn] said that he needed to speak to the president, and before anyone could stop him, he strolled right into the Oval Office," Bowhan said. "I burst in there to find him dumping red wine, mud, and some blue liquid onto the rug, which was a personal gift from Chinese president Chiang Kai-shek to President Nixon. I have to admit that the stains did come out quickly and easily." While escorting Karn out of the building, Bowhan made payment arrangements for the Aptitude ultra-quiet upright vacuum the president had ordered.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close