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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Shepard's Pie: Congratulations, Tigers!

A lot of people thought Auburn would win because of Cam Newton. Instead, my analysis detected another factor -- wanting it.

On OSN's Pre-Bowl College Kickoff, I said something that looks pretty prescient now. "I don't know which team it will be, but the winner will be whoever wants it more." I don't know where it came from -- I was just wrapping up the segment and the thought just alit onto my brain like a bird onto a branch in a sudden moment of thought-clarity. At the time I wasn't even sure what it meant. It didn't go over well on set -- OSN Analyst Reggie Greengrass said "that means literally nothing," but the thought stuck with me throughout the game. And what I saw was an Auburn team, consistently wanting it more and more until the final seconds.

So way to want, Tigers. You went out there and wanted it, and for that I want something too. To thank you.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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