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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Shepard's Pie: Deadly Chemistry Deadly Deets

There's a lot of buzz building around Deadly Chemistry's next gig after we got a little on-air publicity from yours truly. We were already pretty pumped because the Orbit Room finally gave us a weekend gig after years of rocking Tuesday and Wednesday nights. But we've been polishing the set list pretty much non-stop whenever we aren't at work and the storage facility where we practice isn't too busy, and we are ready to shine on Saturday.

If you're looking for an all-expenses paid (minus two-drink/one-appetizer minimum) ride down the synthpunk expressway, just print off 200 Deadly Chem street team flyers and send us a camera phone pic of you handing them out. We've still got 23 guest list spots left (four a piece, minus one of mine reserved for Wellsy if she decides to make the trip, fingers crossed), so get to it!

Remember the Orbit Room is above the Chinese restaurant on Spielman St., and everyone's got to clear out by midnight because of the new downtown noise regulation ordinance that just got passed, which doesn't give us a ton of time to synth-rock out, but that just means we'll be packing it in for maximum distilled tunes. And from what I hear they got their liquor license back -- although I haven't gotten that confirmed, and if they haven't, then there's an additional $10 charge at the door on top of the $17 cover to make up for what they're missing on booze sales. Buy a CD or a tee and I'll cover it for you!

Deadly Chemistry On Myspace!

Head on over to the Myspace, friend us, join the Deadly Chemistry army! Don’t be turned off by our low friend count. We had to delete our page and set up a new one after some 4channers hacked it for reasons unclear to me and put up a lot of penises.

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