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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Shepard's Pie: Deadly Chemistry Deadly Deets

There's a lot of buzz building around Deadly Chemistry's next gig after we got a little on-air publicity from yours truly. We were already pretty pumped because the Orbit Room finally gave us a weekend gig after years of rocking Tuesday and Wednesday nights. But we've been polishing the set list pretty much non-stop whenever we aren't at work and the storage facility where we practice isn't too busy, and we are ready to shine on Saturday.

If you're looking for an all-expenses paid (minus two-drink/one-appetizer minimum) ride down the synthpunk expressway, just print off 200 Deadly Chem street team flyers and send us a camera phone pic of you handing them out. We've still got 23 guest list spots left (four a piece, minus one of mine reserved for Wellsy if she decides to make the trip, fingers crossed), so get to it!

Remember the Orbit Room is above the Chinese restaurant on Spielman St., and everyone's got to clear out by midnight because of the new downtown noise regulation ordinance that just got passed, which doesn't give us a ton of time to synth-rock out, but that just means we'll be packing it in for maximum distilled tunes. And from what I hear they got their liquor license back -- although I haven't gotten that confirmed, and if they haven't, then there's an additional $10 charge at the door on top of the $17 cover to make up for what they're missing on booze sales. Buy a CD or a tee and I'll cover it for you!

Deadly Chemistry On Myspace!

Head on over to the Myspace, friend us, join the Deadly Chemistry army! Don’t be turned off by our low friend count. We had to delete our page and set up a new one after some 4channers hacked it for reasons unclear to me and put up a lot of penises.

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