adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Shepard's Pie: Deadly Chemistry Deadly Deets

There's a lot of buzz building around Deadly Chemistry's next gig after we got a little on-air publicity from yours truly. We were already pretty pumped because the Orbit Room finally gave us a weekend gig after years of rocking Tuesday and Wednesday nights. But we've been polishing the set list pretty much non-stop whenever we aren't at work and the storage facility where we practice isn't too busy, and we are ready to shine on Saturday.

If you're looking for an all-expenses paid (minus two-drink/one-appetizer minimum) ride down the synthpunk expressway, just print off 200 Deadly Chem street team flyers and send us a camera phone pic of you handing them out. We've still got 23 guest list spots left (four a piece, minus one of mine reserved for Wellsy if she decides to make the trip, fingers crossed), so get to it!

Remember the Orbit Room is above the Chinese restaurant on Spielman St., and everyone's got to clear out by midnight because of the new downtown noise regulation ordinance that just got passed, which doesn't give us a ton of time to synth-rock out, but that just means we'll be packing it in for maximum distilled tunes. And from what I hear they got their liquor license back -- although I haven't gotten that confirmed, and if they haven't, then there's an additional $10 charge at the door on top of the $17 cover to make up for what they're missing on booze sales. Buy a CD or a tee and I'll cover it for you!

Deadly Chemistry On Myspace!

Head on over to the Myspace, friend us, join the Deadly Chemistry army! Don’t be turned off by our low friend count. We had to delete our page and set up a new one after some 4channers hacked it for reasons unclear to me and put up a lot of penises.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close