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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Shepard's Pie: Deadly Chemistry Deadly Deets

There's a lot of buzz building around Deadly Chemistry's next gig after we got a little on-air publicity from yours truly. We were already pretty pumped because the Orbit Room finally gave us a weekend gig after years of rocking Tuesday and Wednesday nights. But we've been polishing the set list pretty much non-stop whenever we aren't at work and the storage facility where we practice isn't too busy, and we are ready to shine on Saturday.

If you're looking for an all-expenses paid (minus two-drink/one-appetizer minimum) ride down the synthpunk expressway, just print off 200 Deadly Chem street team flyers and send us a camera phone pic of you handing them out. We've still got 23 guest list spots left (four a piece, minus one of mine reserved for Wellsy if she decides to make the trip, fingers crossed), so get to it!

Remember the Orbit Room is above the Chinese restaurant on Spielman St., and everyone's got to clear out by midnight because of the new downtown noise regulation ordinance that just got passed, which doesn't give us a ton of time to synth-rock out, but that just means we'll be packing it in for maximum distilled tunes. And from what I hear they got their liquor license back -- although I haven't gotten that confirmed, and if they haven't, then there's an additional $10 charge at the door on top of the $17 cover to make up for what they're missing on booze sales. Buy a CD or a tee and I'll cover it for you!

Deadly Chemistry On Myspace!

Head on over to the Myspace, friend us, join the Deadly Chemistry army! Don’t be turned off by our low friend count. We had to delete our page and set up a new one after some 4channers hacked it for reasons unclear to me and put up a lot of penises.

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