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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Shepard's Pie: Return Of The Reiser

As Public Enemy might have said, millions of suspensions couldn't hold him back, and Alex Reiser is back on the Dome tonight! I've gotta be honest, the fill-ins from down on the OSN-News Farm did a great job, but my mother always said, Dome with the one that brought you. Me and A.R. go way back and that salty-sweet Shep-Reis taste cannot be duplicated with artificial flavors.

Of course it's the Bad Boy-Brainiac dynamic that makes me and the Reis-Dog such a potent one-two Sports-Punch. But he's not the only one who's run afoul of the disciplinary firing squad. I came within a whisker of being stamped with an internal suspension back in the seventh grade. And I have to say -- I had it coming! I was always doing things like standing up in class and compulsively tugging on my friends' shirts. I don't even know why I did it! I was a wild man! Finally my science teacher had had enough. She was trying to teach us about the tides one day when I tugged on my friend Rocco's shirt. He shouted and called me a spaz and we BOTH got sent to the principal's office.

Well that's when I knew I was sunk. What had I done? I had gotten myself AND my pal into trouble. I needed to turn my life around. The secretary told me to go in first, and while Rocco waited in the lobby, the principal said we were both facing internal suspension unless one of us came clean. I burst into tears and blamed the whole thing on Rocco. I've never been so relieved in my life as I was just a little while later when the principal told the both of us that Rocco had internal suspension for four days, but that I was off the hook with a warning because I had been forthright.

None of this is to say that Alex didn't deserve his suspension. HR had to make a tough call and they did it the right way, without unfairly using Alex's record or his other unrelated suspensions against him any more than they had to. Of course I've signed a confidentiality agreement and a separate gag order about the incident, so I can't speak to specifics, but I can say that he has apologized to all the relevant athletes, OSN employees and civil rights organizations, and I'm ready to forgive him.

We're Doming together again.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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