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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

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Shepard's Pie: Return Of The Reiser

As Public Enemy might have said, millions of suspensions couldn't hold him back, and Alex Reiser is back on the Dome tonight! I've gotta be honest, the fill-ins from down on the OSN-News Farm did a great job, but my mother always said, Dome with the one that brought you. Me and A.R. go way back and that salty-sweet Shep-Reis taste cannot be duplicated with artificial flavors.

Of course it's the Bad Boy-Brainiac dynamic that makes me and the Reis-Dog such a potent one-two Sports-Punch. But he's not the only one who's run afoul of the disciplinary firing squad. I came within a whisker of being stamped with an internal suspension back in the seventh grade. And I have to say -- I had it coming! I was always doing things like standing up in class and compulsively tugging on my friends' shirts. I don't even know why I did it! I was a wild man! Finally my science teacher had had enough. She was trying to teach us about the tides one day when I tugged on my friend Rocco's shirt. He shouted and called me a spaz and we BOTH got sent to the principal's office.

Well that's when I knew I was sunk. What had I done? I had gotten myself AND my pal into trouble. I needed to turn my life around. The secretary told me to go in first, and while Rocco waited in the lobby, the principal said we were both facing internal suspension unless one of us came clean. I burst into tears and blamed the whole thing on Rocco. I've never been so relieved in my life as I was just a little while later when the principal told the both of us that Rocco had internal suspension for four days, but that I was off the hook with a warning because I had been forthright.

None of this is to say that Alex didn't deserve his suspension. HR had to make a tough call and they did it the right way, without unfairly using Alex's record or his other unrelated suspensions against him any more than they had to. Of course I've signed a confidentiality agreement and a separate gag order about the incident, so I can't speak to specifics, but I can say that he has apologized to all the relevant athletes, OSN employees and civil rights organizations, and I'm ready to forgive him.

We're Doming together again.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

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