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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Shepard's Pie: Taken Abackdraft

I don't normally like to break from our never-ending torrent of sports here on the Pie, but I had to complain about a piece of absolute trash I saw on the television this week.

I was having one of my famous Staying-In Sundays with the wife, making hot toddies and curling up in our matching leopard-print Snuggies, watching the old telly. We make the todd's non-alcoholic to warm our souls while our blood stays cool. Basically, it was a pretty great set-up. What could possibly go wrong?

As it turns out, a lot. Read on.

My wife decided to "powder her nose" during a quick Game Show Network commercial break and left me the clicker. Hoo boy watch out! I am a channel-surfing demon, and this was no exception. It's like a drug to me, like I can never find the perfect thing to watch. Nothing good on Lifetime, nothing on Hallmark. So I switch to Showtime and see if anything "lascivious" is going on. Maybe a glimpse of thigh to get me in the mood for… whoa let me stop right there!

Anyway, I get to Showtime and it's even better than thigh: it's Kurt Russell and William Baldwin. Say no more, I am hooked. They're dressed in some Kevlar-thermal coats so I figure it's a firefighter movie, which combines two of the things I love: movies and bravery. So I buckle in…

…and no less than three minutes later I am staring at a moist, sticky corpse on a hospital bed.

I immediately vomit, all over myself, my Snuggie and my couch. I'm dizzy but I rush to the bathroom and throw myself at the door- locked! M'lady is inside doing her lady business. I've apparently led with my head so I'm knocked out cold for what seems like hours but is actually only a few seconds.

I come to face first on the floor in another puddle of vomit (we had eaten mutton) and by this time my wife has opened the door, frantic, asking what's wrong. I'm not ashamed to admit, I am crying more than a little as I tell her about the upsetting image Showtime has force-fed down our television screen. And there I am, left crying, shaking and caked in vomit in my naked wife's arms (she has to be naked to use the restroom and she wouldn't mind me telling you that).

The fun I had researching the physical phenomenon that is a backdraft did only so much to allay my anger. I don't care if it was made in 2011 or 1991, Universal will not be getting any more of my hard-earned money if they're going to continue showing charred, oozing corpse after charred, oozing corpse. Just writing that made me a little nauseous.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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