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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Shepard's Pie: Taken Abackdraft

I don't normally like to break from our never-ending torrent of sports here on the Pie, but I had to complain about a piece of absolute trash I saw on the television this week.

I was having one of my famous Staying-In Sundays with the wife, making hot toddies and curling up in our matching leopard-print Snuggies, watching the old telly. We make the todd's non-alcoholic to warm our souls while our blood stays cool. Basically, it was a pretty great set-up. What could possibly go wrong?

As it turns out, a lot. Read on.

My wife decided to "powder her nose" during a quick Game Show Network commercial break and left me the clicker. Hoo boy watch out! I am a channel-surfing demon, and this was no exception. It's like a drug to me, like I can never find the perfect thing to watch. Nothing good on Lifetime, nothing on Hallmark. So I switch to Showtime and see if anything "lascivious" is going on. Maybe a glimpse of thigh to get me in the mood for… whoa let me stop right there!

Anyway, I get to Showtime and it's even better than thigh: it's Kurt Russell and William Baldwin. Say no more, I am hooked. They're dressed in some Kevlar-thermal coats so I figure it's a firefighter movie, which combines two of the things I love: movies and bravery. So I buckle in…

…and no less than three minutes later I am staring at a moist, sticky corpse on a hospital bed.

I immediately vomit, all over myself, my Snuggie and my couch. I'm dizzy but I rush to the bathroom and throw myself at the door- locked! M'lady is inside doing her lady business. I've apparently led with my head so I'm knocked out cold for what seems like hours but is actually only a few seconds.

I come to face first on the floor in another puddle of vomit (we had eaten mutton) and by this time my wife has opened the door, frantic, asking what's wrong. I'm not ashamed to admit, I am crying more than a little as I tell her about the upsetting image Showtime has force-fed down our television screen. And there I am, left crying, shaking and caked in vomit in my naked wife's arms (she has to be naked to use the restroom and she wouldn't mind me telling you that).

The fun I had researching the physical phenomenon that is a backdraft did only so much to allay my anger. I don't care if it was made in 2011 or 1991, Universal will not be getting any more of my hard-earned money if they're going to continue showing charred, oozing corpse after charred, oozing corpse. Just writing that made me a little nauseous.

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