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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Shepard's Pie: Taken Abackdraft

I don't normally like to break from our never-ending torrent of sports here on the Pie, but I had to complain about a piece of absolute trash I saw on the television this week.

I was having one of my famous Staying-In Sundays with the wife, making hot toddies and curling up in our matching leopard-print Snuggies, watching the old telly. We make the todd's non-alcoholic to warm our souls while our blood stays cool. Basically, it was a pretty great set-up. What could possibly go wrong?

As it turns out, a lot. Read on.

My wife decided to "powder her nose" during a quick Game Show Network commercial break and left me the clicker. Hoo boy watch out! I am a channel-surfing demon, and this was no exception. It's like a drug to me, like I can never find the perfect thing to watch. Nothing good on Lifetime, nothing on Hallmark. So I switch to Showtime and see if anything "lascivious" is going on. Maybe a glimpse of thigh to get me in the mood for… whoa let me stop right there!

Anyway, I get to Showtime and it's even better than thigh: it's Kurt Russell and William Baldwin. Say no more, I am hooked. They're dressed in some Kevlar-thermal coats so I figure it's a firefighter movie, which combines two of the things I love: movies and bravery. So I buckle in…

…and no less than three minutes later I am staring at a moist, sticky corpse on a hospital bed.

I immediately vomit, all over myself, my Snuggie and my couch. I'm dizzy but I rush to the bathroom and throw myself at the door- locked! M'lady is inside doing her lady business. I've apparently led with my head so I'm knocked out cold for what seems like hours but is actually only a few seconds.

I come to face first on the floor in another puddle of vomit (we had eaten mutton) and by this time my wife has opened the door, frantic, asking what's wrong. I'm not ashamed to admit, I am crying more than a little as I tell her about the upsetting image Showtime has force-fed down our television screen. And there I am, left crying, shaking and caked in vomit in my naked wife's arms (she has to be naked to use the restroom and she wouldn't mind me telling you that).

The fun I had researching the physical phenomenon that is a backdraft did only so much to allay my anger. I don't care if it was made in 2011 or 1991, Universal will not be getting any more of my hard-earned money if they're going to continue showing charred, oozing corpse after charred, oozing corpse. Just writing that made me a little nauseous.

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