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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Shepard's Pie: That Is Exactly How I Predicted The Super Bowl Would Turn Out

Surprised? I'm not.

This is basically what I've been saying all along: that the Packers would use an opportunistic defense and a stalwart passing effort from Aaron Rodgers to defeat the Steelers. That's what I said would happen and that's what did happen.

I have to say, it was pretty obvious to anyone who even halfway paid attention.

Now a lot of people are going to say that I spoke in broad platitudes like "this game is going to come down to whomever wants it more" and "whichever team moves the ball more effectively is going to win this game". But here's the flaw in that thinking: that's exactly what happened! The team that wanted it more won and the team that moved the ball more effectively won. I believe I said something about limiting turnovers, and no, the Packers didn't do that. But what does that matter? They won. Thus, everything I said came true.

I hope that World Cup octopus is cursing me from heaven, because there's a new octopus in town. Mark Shepard.

Be sure to check out the Dome Tuesday night 10:30/9:30 Central on Comedy Central. I’ll have my tentacles in everything.

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