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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Shepard's Pie: That Is Exactly How I Predicted The Super Bowl Would Turn Out

Surprised? I'm not.

This is basically what I've been saying all along: that the Packers would use an opportunistic defense and a stalwart passing effort from Aaron Rodgers to defeat the Steelers. That's what I said would happen and that's what did happen.

I have to say, it was pretty obvious to anyone who even halfway paid attention.

Now a lot of people are going to say that I spoke in broad platitudes like "this game is going to come down to whomever wants it more" and "whichever team moves the ball more effectively is going to win this game". But here's the flaw in that thinking: that's exactly what happened! The team that wanted it more won and the team that moved the ball more effectively won. I believe I said something about limiting turnovers, and no, the Packers didn't do that. But what does that matter? They won. Thus, everything I said came true.

I hope that World Cup octopus is cursing me from heaven, because there's a new octopus in town. Mark Shepard.

Be sure to check out the Dome Tuesday night 10:30/9:30 Central on Comedy Central. I’ll have my tentacles in everything.

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