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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Shepard's Pie: The Dome Is Moving To 8, Which Is A Lucky Number In China

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: moving the SportsDome to eight o'clock is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

As soon as I found out about the move, I was elated. I have a very finicky circadian rhythm, and doing something so late at night, every single night basically gave me a form of sleep-deprivation hallucinations that is very rare in places with a normal daily sunrise-sunset schedule. Basically the only people who suffer from it are scientists stationed in Alaska and Al Pacino's character from Insomnia. Just to give you an example, I once thought my partner, Alex Reiser, was a terrible shrieking whale bent on my destroying my family. I know now that he's not, but that's what the old time slot did to me.

I immediately started researching the number eight just to get acquainted to the new time and compare it to my personal celestial fingerprint. Found out some great things.

- 8 is a lucky number in China! The phone number 888-8888 sold for 270 thousand dollars there. I only paid three thousand for mine, so that is crazy.

- The Ghubar Arabs were the ones who gave the numeral "8" its distinctive look. About time they did something worthwhile.

- Hanukkah lasts 8 days AND 8 nights

- The number 8 is a 'magic' number for Geminis

- I couldn't find any other interesting facts about the number eight but I'm still psyched about it

In any event, I look forward to the challenge of reading sports stories off a teleprompter a full two and a half hours earlier. The one tough thing is going head to head with Glee, which I believe everyone knows by now is my favorite show. To you my loyal readers I promise this: I will retire all of my personalized Glee hashtags that I use on Twitter for as long as we are on opposite the greatest teenage musical comedy show in television history. Farewell #shepardglee, #shepardgleek, #shepardgleegeek, #shepardlea, #shepardleamichelle, #shepardgleamichele, #shepardrachelberry and most painfully, #shepardnumberonegleefanintheworld. We had a good run.

Finally, I implore you all to watch SportsDome at 8pm this Tuesday. The time might be different, but we've got just as much Sports, tons more Dome and an infinite amount of deets.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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