Shepard's Pie: The Dome Is Moving To 8, Which Is A Lucky Number In China

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Shepard's Pie: The Dome Is Moving To 8, Which Is A Lucky Number In China

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: moving the SportsDome to eight o'clock is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

As soon as I found out about the move, I was elated. I have a very finicky circadian rhythm, and doing something so late at night, every single night basically gave me a form of sleep-deprivation hallucinations that is very rare in places with a normal daily sunrise-sunset schedule. Basically the only people who suffer from it are scientists stationed in Alaska and Al Pacino's character from Insomnia. Just to give you an example, I once thought my partner, Alex Reiser, was a terrible shrieking whale bent on my destroying my family. I know now that he's not, but that's what the old time slot did to me.

I immediately started researching the number eight just to get acquainted to the new time and compare it to my personal celestial fingerprint. Found out some great things.

- 8 is a lucky number in China! The phone number 888-8888 sold for 270 thousand dollars there. I only paid three thousand for mine, so that is crazy.

- The Ghubar Arabs were the ones who gave the numeral "8" its distinctive look. About time they did something worthwhile.

- Hanukkah lasts 8 days AND 8 nights

- The number 8 is a 'magic' number for Geminis

- I couldn't find any other interesting facts about the number eight but I'm still psyched about it

In any event, I look forward to the challenge of reading sports stories off a teleprompter a full two and a half hours earlier. The one tough thing is going head to head with Glee, which I believe everyone knows by now is my favorite show. To you my loyal readers I promise this: I will retire all of my personalized Glee hashtags that I use on Twitter for as long as we are on opposite the greatest teenage musical comedy show in television history. Farewell #shepardglee, #shepardgleek, #shepardgleegeek, #shepardlea, #shepardleamichelle, #shepardgleamichele, #shepardrachelberry and most painfully, #shepardnumberonegleefanintheworld. We had a good run.

Finally, I implore you all to watch SportsDome at 8pm this Tuesday. The time might be different, but we've got just as much Sports, tons more Dome and an infinite amount of deets.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close