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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Shepard's Pie: The Dome Is Moving To 8, Which Is A Lucky Number In China

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: moving the SportsDome to eight o'clock is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

As soon as I found out about the move, I was elated. I have a very finicky circadian rhythm, and doing something so late at night, every single night basically gave me a form of sleep-deprivation hallucinations that is very rare in places with a normal daily sunrise-sunset schedule. Basically the only people who suffer from it are scientists stationed in Alaska and Al Pacino's character from Insomnia. Just to give you an example, I once thought my partner, Alex Reiser, was a terrible shrieking whale bent on my destroying my family. I know now that he's not, but that's what the old time slot did to me.

I immediately started researching the number eight just to get acquainted to the new time and compare it to my personal celestial fingerprint. Found out some great things.

- 8 is a lucky number in China! The phone number 888-8888 sold for 270 thousand dollars there. I only paid three thousand for mine, so that is crazy.

- The Ghubar Arabs were the ones who gave the numeral "8" its distinctive look. About time they did something worthwhile.

- Hanukkah lasts 8 days AND 8 nights

- The number 8 is a 'magic' number for Geminis

- I couldn't find any other interesting facts about the number eight but I'm still psyched about it

In any event, I look forward to the challenge of reading sports stories off a teleprompter a full two and a half hours earlier. The one tough thing is going head to head with Glee, which I believe everyone knows by now is my favorite show. To you my loyal readers I promise this: I will retire all of my personalized Glee hashtags that I use on Twitter for as long as we are on opposite the greatest teenage musical comedy show in television history. Farewell #shepardglee, #shepardgleek, #shepardgleegeek, #shepardlea, #shepardleamichelle, #shepardgleamichele, #shepardrachelberry and most painfully, #shepardnumberonegleefanintheworld. We had a good run.

Finally, I implore you all to watch SportsDome at 8pm this Tuesday. The time might be different, but we've got just as much Sports, tons more Dome and an infinite amount of deets.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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