adBlockCheck

Sports

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
End Of Section
  • More News

Shepardus Maxim-us: My First Maxim Interview

That's right folks: Mark Shepard has graduated from long-time Maxim skimmer to first-time Maxim interviewee! It's a real honor, real thrill. I've always felt that of the FHM-Stuff-Maxim triumvirate of high-testosterone glossies, Maxim is by far the least sexist and second smartest.

Let me say right here, the Maxim folks did a phenomenal job of making me feel at home. I met with my handler Erica at 10 in the morning, and she led me to the Maxim kitchen to wait, which was a huge mistake. That thing was STACKED. Five packages of Dunkaroos and two chocolate milks later, I would have done anything Maxim asked me to do!

Except what they actually asked me to do.

I say this in the piece, but let me say right here: I am more than just a sports guy. If you're going to ask me to dress in some bizarre hybrid baseball/football/basketball/hockey/horse jockey/boxing shorts uniform, you need to cite a really good artistic reason for me doing so. In addition, you really have to give me some sort of dressing room and not ask me to, in essence, strip naked right there in the photo studio (I was not wearing underwear that day, to get in the true Maxim spirit).

What I'm trying to say is, sure I'm a sports anchor. But did you know that I am also a poet? I write poems on Twitter all the time, using less than 140 characters per composition. Did you know that I am a sculptor? I took a sculpting class in college and got a B-. Mark Shepard is a spectrum, and he shines far more colors than just sports-red. He shines synth-punk orange, charity work-yellow, Hunger Games fan-green, dinosaur expert-blue, avid Food Network watcher-indigo and occasional vegan-violet.

That was my favorite part of the Maxim piece. I think it really captured who I was, to the extent that you can capture an unknowable renaissance man. I can forgive how they ended all of my quotes with exclamation points and how they used the world "shrill" and "bleated" more than I would care to note (14). All that matters is that they portrayed Mark Shepard in his natural state. Contemplative. Sturdy. Original. A man for his time. (Their words not mine!!!)

I have to say, I do think it was key that I agreed to mud wrestle that fat woman. Everyone in the office really responded to that.

I already scanned a copy to give Wellsy so check out my spread. If you’ve got any questions for the Shep-Dog the Maxim people didn’t answer, don’t hesitate to hit me up on the ‘ol Tweeter @MarkShepardSD.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close