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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Shepardus Maxim-us: My First Maxim Interview

That's right folks: Mark Shepard has graduated from long-time Maxim skimmer to first-time Maxim interviewee! It's a real honor, real thrill. I've always felt that of the FHM-Stuff-Maxim triumvirate of high-testosterone glossies, Maxim is by far the least sexist and second smartest.

Let me say right here, the Maxim folks did a phenomenal job of making me feel at home. I met with my handler Erica at 10 in the morning, and she led me to the Maxim kitchen to wait, which was a huge mistake. That thing was STACKED. Five packages of Dunkaroos and two chocolate milks later, I would have done anything Maxim asked me to do!

Except what they actually asked me to do.

I say this in the piece, but let me say right here: I am more than just a sports guy. If you're going to ask me to dress in some bizarre hybrid baseball/football/basketball/hockey/horse jockey/boxing shorts uniform, you need to cite a really good artistic reason for me doing so. In addition, you really have to give me some sort of dressing room and not ask me to, in essence, strip naked right there in the photo studio (I was not wearing underwear that day, to get in the true Maxim spirit).

What I'm trying to say is, sure I'm a sports anchor. But did you know that I am also a poet? I write poems on Twitter all the time, using less than 140 characters per composition. Did you know that I am a sculptor? I took a sculpting class in college and got a B-. Mark Shepard is a spectrum, and he shines far more colors than just sports-red. He shines synth-punk orange, charity work-yellow, Hunger Games fan-green, dinosaur expert-blue, avid Food Network watcher-indigo and occasional vegan-violet.

That was my favorite part of the Maxim piece. I think it really captured who I was, to the extent that you can capture an unknowable renaissance man. I can forgive how they ended all of my quotes with exclamation points and how they used the world "shrill" and "bleated" more than I would care to note (14). All that matters is that they portrayed Mark Shepard in his natural state. Contemplative. Sturdy. Original. A man for his time. (Their words not mine!!!)

I have to say, I do think it was key that I agreed to mud wrestle that fat woman. Everyone in the office really responded to that.

I already scanned a copy to give Wellsy so check out my spread. If you’ve got any questions for the Shep-Dog the Maxim people didn’t answer, don’t hesitate to hit me up on the ‘ol Tweeter @MarkShepardSD.

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