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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

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HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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Shepardus Maxim-us: My First Maxim Interview

That's right folks: Mark Shepard has graduated from long-time Maxim skimmer to first-time Maxim interviewee! It's a real honor, real thrill. I've always felt that of the FHM-Stuff-Maxim triumvirate of high-testosterone glossies, Maxim is by far the least sexist and second smartest.

Let me say right here, the Maxim folks did a phenomenal job of making me feel at home. I met with my handler Erica at 10 in the morning, and she led me to the Maxim kitchen to wait, which was a huge mistake. That thing was STACKED. Five packages of Dunkaroos and two chocolate milks later, I would have done anything Maxim asked me to do!

Except what they actually asked me to do.

I say this in the piece, but let me say right here: I am more than just a sports guy. If you're going to ask me to dress in some bizarre hybrid baseball/football/basketball/hockey/horse jockey/boxing shorts uniform, you need to cite a really good artistic reason for me doing so. In addition, you really have to give me some sort of dressing room and not ask me to, in essence, strip naked right there in the photo studio (I was not wearing underwear that day, to get in the true Maxim spirit).

What I'm trying to say is, sure I'm a sports anchor. But did you know that I am also a poet? I write poems on Twitter all the time, using less than 140 characters per composition. Did you know that I am a sculptor? I took a sculpting class in college and got a B-. Mark Shepard is a spectrum, and he shines far more colors than just sports-red. He shines synth-punk orange, charity work-yellow, Hunger Games fan-green, dinosaur expert-blue, avid Food Network watcher-indigo and occasional vegan-violet.

That was my favorite part of the Maxim piece. I think it really captured who I was, to the extent that you can capture an unknowable renaissance man. I can forgive how they ended all of my quotes with exclamation points and how they used the world "shrill" and "bleated" more than I would care to note (14). All that matters is that they portrayed Mark Shepard in his natural state. Contemplative. Sturdy. Original. A man for his time. (Their words not mine!!!)

I have to say, I do think it was key that I agreed to mud wrestle that fat woman. Everyone in the office really responded to that.

I already scanned a copy to give Wellsy so check out my spread. If you’ve got any questions for the Shep-Dog the Maxim people didn’t answer, don’t hesitate to hit me up on the ‘ol Tweeter @MarkShepardSD.

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