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'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report

PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy out to make a quick buck and that her claims were completely without merit. "She's probably just a typical example of certain women like that," said Pittsburgh resident Michael Reese, who has never met the alleged victim, and who followed his initial statement by nervously lighting another cigarette. "She probably saw him at the bar and thought, 'Here's my chance to cash in.' Or maybe she hit on him, and when he didn't even give her the time of day, she concocted this little scheme to get back at him. Yup. Bet you any money that's what happened. Sure." Reese then stared down at the Roethlisberger jersey in his hands for a long moment, gesturing as if to put it on before slowly hanging it on a hook behind his door.

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