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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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'She's Probably A Money-Hungry Liar,' Extremely Nervous Steelers Fans Report

PITTSBURGH—In the wake of sexual assault allegations made against Ben Roethlisberger by a Georgia college student, nervous Steelers fans across the nation speculated that the supposed victim was most likely a conniving harpy out to make a quick buck and that her claims were completely without merit. "She's probably just a typical example of certain women like that," said Pittsburgh resident Michael Reese, who has never met the alleged victim, and who followed his initial statement by nervously lighting another cigarette. "She probably saw him at the bar and thought, 'Here's my chance to cash in.' Or maybe she hit on him, and when he didn't even give her the time of day, she concocted this little scheme to get back at him. Yup. Bet you any money that's what happened. Sure." Reese then stared down at the Roethlisberger jersey in his hands for a long moment, gesturing as if to put it on before slowly hanging it on a hook behind his door.

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