She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

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Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

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Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

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CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.
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She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

CORVALLIS, OR—Given that she is not at her sister's, aunt's or best friend Erika's, was not at her desk any of the 12 times he phoned her at the office, and does not normally go grocery shopping until the weekend—not to mention the fact that she didn't come to the door either time he rang the doorbell and hid in the bushes, even though her bedroom light was on—area resident Kristin Mulcahy is probably sleeping with that guy at this very moment, local ex-boyfriend Andrew Wallace obsessed Monday.

Andrew Wallace tries not to think about that other guy running his tongue over those thighs.

"I can just picture it," the profusely sweating Wallace told reporters. "His hands moving slowly over her soft, yielding breasts, gently stroking her into a state of breathless, ecstatic abandon, right there in the very bedroom where she first told me she loved me back in January 1998."

Sources say Mulcahy, an Oregon State University comparative-literature graduate student and part-time library assistant, hasn't even spoken to Wallace since refusing to let him come in "even just for one minute" two Thursdays ago, fueling panicked speculation on the part of the heartbroken Wallace that Mulcahy was not, as she repeatedly insisted, alone, but was instead with "him," that guy with the sideburns with whom Wallace saw her at that art exhibit last month, and who probably owns the 1998 Isuzu Trooper that keeps showing up parked near Mulcahy's apartment at all hours of the night.

"I poured my heart out to her, standing there in the rain on her front porch for 20 minutes, and now she won't even acknowledge that I exist," said Wallace, pausing briefly to stub out a cigarette in an overflowing ashtray nearby. "He was probably waiting right there in the other room the whole time, hearing every word of my desperate plea. Afterwards, once she'd slammed the door in my wet face, they probably laughed together about all the deeply personal things I was revealing about my innermost emotional needs."

"I think his name is, like, Chris or Craig or Greg or something," Wallace said. "That smug, self-satisfied, woman-stealing, car-phone-talking, Third Eye Blind-CD-on-his-dashboard-leaving, sweater-vest-over-the-passenger-side-carseat-draping bastard!"

Mulcahy, whom Wallace has alternately described as "the most beautiful, intelligent, caring and special person I have ever met" and "a deeply selfish, spoiled brat who doesn't even care enough to answer the phone when someone who was once supposedly so important to her is sobbing on her answering machine, begging for just one more chance to show her that, together, they could make it work," has reportedly recovered well in the six weeks since her breakup with Wallace.

"Kristin was a little upset about it at first," best friend Erika Duncan said. "But that's only to be expected. After all, she wasted more than a year and a half of her life on that simpering jerk what's-his-name. But she bounced back in no time, and I think she's made great strides in regaining her self-esteem. She's dating again and, from what I understand, her sex life is better than ever."

"This new guy?" Duncan added. "Let's just say this: T-I-G-E-R, if you catch my drift."

Wallace's efforts to achieve similar closure, however, have been hampered by the fact that whenever he shuts his eyes, images of his former beloved, screaming in pleasure as wave after wave of orgasmic ecstasy rocks her supple, nude body, dance mockingly across his inner eyelids.

"I just know the son of a bitch is hung like a bear, too," Wallace said. "So I'm not the most well-endowed guy in the world, I admit it. Is that some kind of crime?"

According to sources close to Wallace, over the past six weeks he has had trouble sleeping, lost his appetite and suffered a drop in productivity at work. He has also frequently burst into tears at seemingly random moments, such as during TV commercials Wallace said "remind me of the times we shared." In addition, he has created a shrine out of various mundane objects acquired during his time with Mulcahy, such as parking-garage stubs, grocery-store receipts and fast-food containers, keeping them as treasured mementos of his former partner.

"Everyone tells me I have to 'accept it' and 'move on,'" said Wallace, locked in his bathroom in a fetal position with the lights off. "But how can I be expected to carry on as normal when at this very moment, less than 30 blocks from here, some stranger is putting his hands all over the only woman I've ever found true love with, driving her into a state of transcendent sexual bliss with his relentless pounding and pounding and thrusting and squirting and pounding, making her shiver and quake with sweet release? Huh? How am I supposed to just 'forget it' with all of that pounding going on, right now, at this very moment?"

Whether or not Mulcahy is actually sleeping with "him" at this very moment has not been confirmed.