She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

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Vol 35 Issue 34

Hot-Rod-Lincoln-Driving Son May Have Contributed To Father's Alcoholism

SAN PEDRO, CA—William Conroy, a 43-year-old San Pedro-area pappy, was driven to alcoholism by his 17-year-old son's reckless Hot Rod Lincoln driving, Conroy's psychologist said Monday. "Over the course of several of therapy sessions with Mr. Conroy, it became clear that he suffered tremendous distress as a result of his son's illegal drag-racing hobby," Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "Cody's recent arrest for driving 110 mph was likely the trigger event that prompted William to turn to alcohol." The elder Conroy told Wasserbaum that he "made it perfectly clear" to Cody that he would be driven to drinking if he did not stop driving that Hot Rod Lincoln.

Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore'

AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long fight to save the endangered Northern Spotted Owl. "For some reason, we devoted more than 30 years to trying to save this unspectacular little owl," Greenpeace associate director Tomas Lindstrom said. "But somewhere along the way, I guess we just came to our senses and kind of lost interest." Lindstrom said the environmental group plans to shift its focus to "saving animals that people actually see every once in a while."

Tape Dispensed

PULASKI, TN—A two-inch stretch of 3M Scotch™ adhesive tape was dispensed Monday by a Swingline™ tape dispenser. "I am impressed beyond words by the exemplary performance of this office appliance," said Pulaski-area payroll secretary Julie Glass following the successful tape dispensation. "Less than three seconds after I desired a memorandum affixed to a larger document, the tape was dispensed and the pieces of paper attached to one another. I was barely aware of the dispenser's existence, so smoothly and unobtrusively did it operate."

Reno Orders Investigation Of U.S. Department of Corruption

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno ordered a full-scale investigation of the Department of Corruption Monday in the wake of widespread reports of illegal and improper activity within its ranks. "Over the past 18 months, evidence has surfaced implicating numerous high-ranking Corruption Department officials, including Corruption Secretary John Francona, in acts of bribery, embezzlement, bank fraud, tax evasion and misappropriation of funds," Reno said. The department has also failed to account for much of its spending, including a 1998 allocation of $7 billion for a "widows and orphans fund," for which it has yet to provide financial records.

U.S. Out Of My Uterus vs. We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately

It comes down to one thing: It's my body. Not Uncle Sam's, not Trent Lott's, not Pat Robertson's. Mine. Congress can demand a portion of my income, it can tell me how fast to drive, it can kill killers and anyone else it thinks it must to preserve a free and civil society. But my body—the skin, bones and organs that comprise me—is where the line gets drawn.

The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?
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She's Probably Sleeping With Him Right Now, Local Man Obsesses

CORVALLIS, OR—Given that she is not at her sister's, aunt's or best friend Erika's, was not at her desk any of the 12 times he phoned her at the office, and does not normally go grocery shopping until the weekend—not to mention the fact that she didn't come to the door either time he rang the doorbell and hid in the bushes, even though her bedroom light was on—area resident Kristin Mulcahy is probably sleeping with that guy at this very moment, local ex-boyfriend Andrew Wallace obsessed Monday.

Andrew Wallace tries not to think about that other guy running his tongue over those thighs.

"I can just picture it," the profusely sweating Wallace told reporters. "His hands moving slowly over her soft, yielding breasts, gently stroking her into a state of breathless, ecstatic abandon, right there in the very bedroom where she first told me she loved me back in January 1998."

Sources say Mulcahy, an Oregon State University comparative-literature graduate student and part-time library assistant, hasn't even spoken to Wallace since refusing to let him come in "even just for one minute" two Thursdays ago, fueling panicked speculation on the part of the heartbroken Wallace that Mulcahy was not, as she repeatedly insisted, alone, but was instead with "him," that guy with the sideburns with whom Wallace saw her at that art exhibit last month, and who probably owns the 1998 Isuzu Trooper that keeps showing up parked near Mulcahy's apartment at all hours of the night.

"I poured my heart out to her, standing there in the rain on her front porch for 20 minutes, and now she won't even acknowledge that I exist," said Wallace, pausing briefly to stub out a cigarette in an overflowing ashtray nearby. "He was probably waiting right there in the other room the whole time, hearing every word of my desperate plea. Afterwards, once she'd slammed the door in my wet face, they probably laughed together about all the deeply personal things I was revealing about my innermost emotional needs."

"I think his name is, like, Chris or Craig or Greg or something," Wallace said. "That smug, self-satisfied, woman-stealing, car-phone-talking, Third Eye Blind-CD-on-his-dashboard-leaving, sweater-vest-over-the-passenger-side-carseat-draping bastard!"

Mulcahy, whom Wallace has alternately described as "the most beautiful, intelligent, caring and special person I have ever met" and "a deeply selfish, spoiled brat who doesn't even care enough to answer the phone when someone who was once supposedly so important to her is sobbing on her answering machine, begging for just one more chance to show her that, together, they could make it work," has reportedly recovered well in the six weeks since her breakup with Wallace.

"Kristin was a little upset about it at first," best friend Erika Duncan said. "But that's only to be expected. After all, she wasted more than a year and a half of her life on that simpering jerk what's-his-name. But she bounced back in no time, and I think she's made great strides in regaining her self-esteem. She's dating again and, from what I understand, her sex life is better than ever."

"This new guy?" Duncan added. "Let's just say this: T-I-G-E-R, if you catch my drift."

Wallace's efforts to achieve similar closure, however, have been hampered by the fact that whenever he shuts his eyes, images of his former beloved, screaming in pleasure as wave after wave of orgasmic ecstasy rocks her supple, nude body, dance mockingly across his inner eyelids.

"I just know the son of a bitch is hung like a bear, too," Wallace said. "So I'm not the most well-endowed guy in the world, I admit it. Is that some kind of crime?"

According to sources close to Wallace, over the past six weeks he has had trouble sleeping, lost his appetite and suffered a drop in productivity at work. He has also frequently burst into tears at seemingly random moments, such as during TV commercials Wallace said "remind me of the times we shared." In addition, he has created a shrine out of various mundane objects acquired during his time with Mulcahy, such as parking-garage stubs, grocery-store receipts and fast-food containers, keeping them as treasured mementos of his former partner.

"Everyone tells me I have to 'accept it' and 'move on,'" said Wallace, locked in his bathroom in a fetal position with the lights off. "But how can I be expected to carry on as normal when at this very moment, less than 30 blocks from here, some stranger is putting his hands all over the only woman I've ever found true love with, driving her into a state of transcendent sexual bliss with his relentless pounding and pounding and thrusting and squirting and pounding, making her shiver and quake with sweet release? Huh? How am I supposed to just 'forget it' with all of that pounding going on, right now, at this very moment?"

Whether or not Mulcahy is actually sleeping with "him" at this very moment has not been confirmed.

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