adBlockCheck

Shia LaBeouf Shimmies Out Of Third-Floor Window At School For Wayward Boys

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Satisfaction

Shia LaBeouf Shimmies Out Of Third-Floor Window At School For Wayward Boys

CRANSTON, RI—Capping off a month of unruly behavior that included defacement of school property, possession of forbidden items, and persistent backtalk and rebelliousness, sources say actor Shia LaBeouf attempted to escape from a dormitory window of the Homewood Training School for Wayward Boys last night, marking his third such attempt during the summer quarter. “I’m making my way out of this hole—good luck, kid,” the 27-year-old Transformers star reportedly said to his bunkmate before packing his cot with pillows and lowering himself from the building’s third-story window, aided by an improvised ladder of knotted bed sheets. “Look me up when you’re out. And make a break for it soon, if you got half a brain.” After being promptly apprehended when a night guard caught LaBeouf scaling the facility’s front gate, Homewood officials reportedly debated what to do with the smirking young man, whose only was response was, “Call my dad, see if he cares."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close