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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Shia LaBeouf Shimmies Out Of Third-Floor Window At School For Wayward Boys

CRANSTON, RI—Capping off a month of unruly behavior that included defacement of school property, possession of forbidden items, and persistent backtalk and rebelliousness, sources say actor Shia LaBeouf attempted to escape from a dormitory window of the Homewood Training School for Wayward Boys last night, marking his third such attempt during the summer quarter. “I’m making my way out of this hole—good luck, kid,” the 27-year-old Transformers star reportedly said to his bunkmate before packing his cot with pillows and lowering himself from the building’s third-story window, aided by an improvised ladder of knotted bed sheets. “Look me up when you’re out. And make a break for it soon, if you got half a brain.” After being promptly apprehended when a night guard caught LaBeouf scaling the facility’s front gate, Homewood officials reportedly debated what to do with the smirking young man, whose only was response was, “Call my dad, see if he cares."

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