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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Shia LaBeouf Shimmies Out Of Third-Floor Window At School For Wayward Boys

CRANSTON, RI—Capping off a month of unruly behavior that included defacement of school property, possession of forbidden items, and persistent backtalk and rebelliousness, sources say actor Shia LaBeouf attempted to escape from a dormitory window of the Homewood Training School for Wayward Boys last night, marking his third such attempt during the summer quarter. “I’m making my way out of this hole—good luck, kid,” the 27-year-old Transformers star reportedly said to his bunkmate before packing his cot with pillows and lowering himself from the building’s third-story window, aided by an improvised ladder of knotted bed sheets. “Look me up when you’re out. And make a break for it soon, if you got half a brain.” After being promptly apprehended when a night guard caught LaBeouf scaling the facility’s front gate, Homewood officials reportedly debated what to do with the smirking young man, whose only was response was, “Call my dad, see if he cares."

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