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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Shingles Sufferer Sick Of Explaining What Shingles Is

NEWPORT NEWS, VA– Meredith Burr, a Newport News human-resources administrator who contracted shingles three weeks ago, announced Tuesday that she is "completely fed up" with explaining what the illness is. "For the last time, shingles is a viral infection that causes a painful rash similar to chicken pox," Burr said. "The medical term is herpes zoster, and it usually lasts from two to five weeks. Now will you leave me alone? My skin is burning." Burr added that shingles should not be confused with piles, rickets, scurvy, or the gout.

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