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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Shipwreck Survivors Forced To Endure Ride Home On Disney Cruise Ship

NASSAU, BAHAMAS–Rescued after being lost at sea for nearly two weeks, shipwreck survivors Bill and Mary Kolin were forced to endure a ride back to the U.S. mainland on a Disney Magic cruise ship. "I suffered severe sunburn, dehydration, and starvation, but that was nothing compared to the half a day I spent on that hellship," Mary told reporters Monday. "I honestly didn't think we'd make it through Chip 'N' Dale's Karaoke Jam, much less Mickey's Breakfast Buffet." Bill said he plans to write a book chronicling his struggle for survival among shuffleboard-playing Lion King fans.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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