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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to jointly pursue beach safety by day and paranormal investigation by night. "The world faces countless dangers, from strong tides to para-dimensional soul catchers," Buchannon said. "It is up to all of us to make a difference in whatever way we can. My way is to work as both a lifeguard and a paranormal investigator." Buchannon says that he draws inspiration from his mother, a longtime legal secretary who recently began investigating UFO-conspiracy government cover-ups in the evenings.

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