Shit-Caked, Urine-Soaked Man Determined To Enjoy Carnival Cruise

Top Headlines

Recent News

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Shit-Caked, Urine-Soaked Man Determined To Enjoy Carnival Cruise

GULF OF MEXICO—Following an onboard fire that has left more than 4,000 Carnival cruise ship passengers and crew without electricity, water, and operational bathroom facilities, feces-covered, urine-stained traveler Jason Spaulding told reporters Wednesday that he is determined to enjoy the remainder of his high seas vacation. “Look, I’ve been looking forward to this cruise for months, and I’m not about to let a little utilities hiccup ruin my good time,” said a waste-drenched Spaulding, who in the past three days has been forced to urinate and defecate off the side of an immobile Carnival cruise liner whose backed-up restrooms sources confirmed are leaking raw sewage throughout the vessel’s living quarters and main deck. “The fact is, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, and I’m out here in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico on a boat. Uncontrollable torrents of human excrement or no, I’m going to make the best of it.” At press time, the optimistic Carnival passenger had decided to “cool off” by taking a dip in the cruise ship’s lukewarm, feces-clouded pool.