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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Shit, Friend Just Said Something To Obnoxious Drunk Guy On Bus

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Fuck, according to sources, there's this guy on the bus who is belligerent and obviously drunk and your friend just decided to play the hero and go say something to him. Reports confirm that since the drunk guy is reacting with a mixture of incoherence and what appears to be hostility, your friend would no doubt appreciate some support, and with no one else on the bus making eye contact, it looks like it's up to you. Sources feel things may be settling down, as the drunk guy, who initially stood up and asked what the fuck your friend's problem is, has now sat back in his seat. At press time, the man has reportedly stopped singing and is seated calmly, staring straight ahead, but oh shit, he's looking over here and getting up again.

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