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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Shit, Guy In Front Of You Ordering For Entire Construction Crew

NEW YORK—After you realized that he was speaking with the deli counter attendant longer than is customary, it became apparent this afternoon that, goddammit, the guy in the reflective vest ahead of you in line is placing an order for all of his fellow construction workers. “Shit,” you reportedly lamented silently upon noticing the small piece of paper in the man’s hand, which, according to a cursory glance, appears to contain at least 10 different sandwich orders, most with their own specified beverages and sides. “Oh, come on, not the cell phone. Jesus, is he double-checking an order with someone? No fucking way.” At press time, well shit, there goes the last chicken parm sub, for fuck’s sake.

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