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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Horrible person James MacDougal, an account executive at the properties management firm Gordon, Olster and French, this time blamed his constant shitty behavior toward others on the shortened days of the fall season, sources reported Monday. "The lack of sunlight makes me cranky," said MacDougal, who in previous months has blamed the humidity, his favorite sports team losing, not getting enough sleep, and the "terrible" office coffee for making him a total, un-relenting asshole. "I've snapped at [secretary] Lynette three times this week. I should really apologize. It's just my knee has been killing me lately." By midwinter, MacDougal is expected by coworkers to revert to such time-tested excuses as having to change to snow tires, being "under the weather," and the annual Christmas visit from "[his] griping bitch of a mom."

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