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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Shitty Human Being Blames Decreased Daylight This Time

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Horrible person James MacDougal, an account executive at the properties management firm Gordon, Olster and French, this time blamed his constant shitty behavior toward others on the shortened days of the fall season, sources reported Monday. "The lack of sunlight makes me cranky," said MacDougal, who in previous months has blamed the humidity, his favorite sports team losing, not getting enough sleep, and the "terrible" office coffee for making him a total, un-relenting asshole. "I've snapped at [secretary] Lynette three times this week. I should really apologize. It's just my knee has been killing me lately." By midwinter, MacDougal is expected by coworkers to revert to such time-tested excuses as having to change to snow tires, being "under the weather," and the annual Christmas visit from "[his] griping bitch of a mom."

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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