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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa. “This is only the most famous painting in history, for crying out loud. How does this place even call itself a museum?” Bellarico said after visiting every floor of the building and scanning the museum’s complimentary brochure in a fruitless effort to locate the iconic Leonardo da Vinci masterpiece. “Look, when I go to a museum I want to see that soup can painting, the sculpture of the thinking guy, and the Mona Lisa. Not a bunch of freaking quilts. What a scam.” At press time, Bellarico had given up and gone off to look for the dinosaur bones.

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