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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa. “This is only the most famous painting in history, for crying out loud. How does this place even call itself a museum?” Bellarico said after visiting every floor of the building and scanning the museum’s complimentary brochure in a fruitless effort to locate the iconic Leonardo da Vinci masterpiece. “Look, when I go to a museum I want to see that soup can painting, the sculpture of the thinking guy, and the Mona Lisa. Not a bunch of freaking quilts. What a scam.” At press time, Bellarico had given up and gone off to look for the dinosaur bones.

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