Shitty Zoo Promoting Hell Out Of New Fruit Bat

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Entertainment

Shitty Zoo Promoting Hell Out Of New Fruit Bat

An employee of the terrible zoo dressed as the fruit bat.
An employee of the terrible zoo dressed as the fruit bat.

WICHITA, KS—Desperately hoping to raise its profile and boost attendance, the Wichita Zoo, long considered one of the crappiest zoos in the United States, is using every resource at its disposal to promote the hell out of a new fruit bat, sources reported Friday.

Local residents confirmed the zoo was "doing a real big push for that bat," who was christened Dwayne following a statewide naming contest and has since become a ubiquitous presence on the backs of benches and sides of buses throughout the greater Wichita area.

"We've all got Dwayne fever around here," said zoo director David Tucker, sporting a Dwayne the Fruit Bat mesh trucker cap. "Why wouldn't we? Dwayne is an amazing fruit-bat specimen, and we've built a state-of-the-art habitat for him. His family comes from Australia, he has a wingspan of 15 inches—plus, he's one of only 40 fruit bats in the state."

"We're really pulling out all the stops for this guy," Tucker added.

Plagued by struggles over the years to attain adequate funding, the zoo has reportedly sunk everything it can into publicizing the fruit bat, renting out billboards along major highways in Wichita and covering them with a close-up photo of Dwayne accompanied by the slogan "Get Batty Wit It."

Dwayne, a common tube-nosed fruit bat, or Nyctimene albiventer, has even taken a star turn on a morning radio show.

"We thought it would be great to have the guys from the V-100 Zoo Crew come out here—to a real zoo—and do a broadcast," Tucker said. "We had a skit where they interviewed Dwayne, only he sounds like Bela Lugosi doing Dracula, and he says, 'I vant to dreenk your juice!' Since that's what fruit bats drink. I did the voice myself. It's pretty comical."

"We're hoping everyone will bring their family to the zoo and get batty wit it as well," Tucker added. "You can watch Dwayne for hours. He won't mind! He's as friendly as a fruit bat can be. And don't be afraid. He doesn't bite…unless you're a peach or a mango!"

Tucker also showed reporters the 6-by-6-by-8-foot glass terrarium where Dwayne, on temporary loan from the San Diego Zoo, keeps company with a simulated bat colony, which zoo workers created by suspending 15 black socks from the ceiling and knotting each one at the end to create the appearance of a head.

According to city officials, the fruit bat is the zoo's latest attempt to attract new patrons, shore up its finances, and avoid losing accreditation. While there was some success with 2009's Touch a Monkey campaign and last year's Bring Your Own Food for the Animals Week, attendance has steadily declined, and little at the zoo has generated much public interest since a family of raccoons took up residence in its abandoned polar bear enclosure five years ago.

"I'm not really that into bats, but Dwayne was pretty cool," said fifth-grader Melinda Kepler, adding that the bat was somewhat smaller than she had expected him to be. "He didn't really move around that much. I guess you have to come at night for that."

Though it closes at 5 p.m. daily, the zoo convinced a local electronics retailer to donate an old webcam that it keeps trained on the bat around the clock, allowing potential visitors to go online and view an image of Dwayne that refreshes every 30 seconds.

"Who knows how long we're going to have this bat for?" said Tucker, who this month was forced to divert funds budgeted for repairing the zoo's mini-train ride in order to make payroll for his staff. "A month? Two months? All I know for sure is that Dwayne rocks, and you'd have to be 'blind as a bat' not to see that for yourself."

At press time, zoo employees confirmed Dwayne the Fruit Bat had died from a combination of dehydration and muscle atrophy.

Next Story