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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Shocked Dzhokar Tsarnaev Always Thought Classmates Were Really Great Judges Of Character

BOSTON—After fellow students at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth expressed surprise at Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged role in last week’s fatal attack, a shocked Tsarnaev told reporters today that his classmates had always seemed like they were excellent judges of character. “When I first read in the paper that my classmates thought I was ‘a really nice kid,’ I was stunned,” said Tsarnaev, emphasizing that “not in a million years” would he have suspected that his fellow undergraduates might turn out to be the types of people who would not notice that there was something deeply wrong with Tsarnaev. “I mean, they always seemed like such intelligent, perceptive individuals, but then you learn that they thought I was a normal, friendly, charismatic guy. It’s incomprehensible.” Tsarnaev added that it “just goes to show you never know with some people.”

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