Shocked Dzhokar Tsarnaev Always Thought Classmates Were Really Great Judges Of Character

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Shocked Dzhokar Tsarnaev Always Thought Classmates Were Really Great Judges Of Character

BOSTON—After fellow students at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth expressed surprise at Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar Tsarnaev’s alleged role in last week’s fatal attack, a shocked Tsarnaev told reporters today that his classmates had always seemed like they were excellent judges of character. “When I first read in the paper that my classmates thought I was ‘a really nice kid,’ I was stunned,” said Tsarnaev, emphasizing that “not in a million years” would he have suspected that his fellow undergraduates might turn out to be the types of people who would not notice that there was something deeply wrong with Tsarnaev. “I mean, they always seemed like such intelligent, perceptive individuals, but then you learn that they thought I was a normal, friendly, charismatic guy. It’s incomprehensible.” Tsarnaev added that it “just goes to show you never know with some people.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close