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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws

TUCSON, AZ—Jared Lee Loughner was released from custody this afternoon when it was determined that the suspect—accused of a shooting spree that left six dead and 14 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords—had not technically broken any Arizona state laws. "While Loughner is clearly a deranged madman who, with this heinous, tragic act, has proved to be a danger to himself and others, he has not explicitly violated any statutes currently on the books in Arizona," Pima County Attorney Barbara LaWall said of the man whom witnesses saw murdering a 9-year-old girl and a federal judge. "We can only hope that if he acts out again, another Arizona citizen will be legally carrying a concealed firearm and be able to stop him." LaWall told reporters that the only way her state would have any legal recourse in the brutal slayings would be if Loughner were Mexican.

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