Shopping Mall Opens With Help Of Richard Dean Anderson

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Vol 35 Issue 20

Portrait Of Nude, Bleeding Man Hung On School Wall

BOISE, ID—As a reminder of God's abundant and undying love for them, a portrait of a nearly naked, bleeding man was hung in full view of students at St. Matthew's Catholic High School Tuesday. The image of the almost-nude, dripping man violently nailed to wooden planks, now on permanent display in the school's central hallway, "reminds us that God would do anything for his children," said Sister Mary Margaret, the school's math teacher. "It presents an uplifting message of love and salvation to inspire us all." Sister Mary went on to praise the craftsmanship of the piece, saying, "You can actually see his bulging eyeballs roll up into his head and the trickles of ooze running into the sockets. Amazing!"

Hypothetical Cat Simultaneously Dead And Alive, Physicists Say

SYRACUSE, NY—In a turn of events that has baffled students of quantum mechanics for more than half a century, a hypothetical cat was suspended in a state of unknowable probability flux between life and death Tuesday, after being placed in a box during a "thought experiment" in a Syracuse University lecture. Approx-imately 15 Physics 252 undergraduates blinked uncomprehendingly at high-energy physicist and instructor Chad Parks, 41, as he explained that the box contained a radioactive atom which may or may not decay, releasing an alpha particle which, if detected by a geiger-counter, may or may not trigger a hammer, shattering a flask of deadly prussic acid. The cat, originally postulated by wave-particle duality theorist Erwin Schroedinger in 1935, is expected to remain in this paradoxical superposition of decayed and undecayed states until an observer opens the box, collapsing the animal’s wave function.

Teen Publication Takes Bold Anti-Peer-Pressure Stance

ANAHEIM, CA—TeenPulse, a monthly publication targeted at 13- to- 17-year-olds nationwide, shocked industry insiders by espousing a courageous anti-peer-pressure position in its June issue. "Friends who try to pressure you into something you don't want to do are no friends at all," contributing editor Cassandra Walters urged a reader in her monthly advice column. "Say 'so long' and get yourself some new buds who like you just the way you are." Also featured in TeenPulse's June issue is a "Cool Summertime Looks You Can't Do Without" pull-out shopping guide.

Shit Parking Ticket Fuck

FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking ticket in the amount of 35 fucking goddamn dollars Monday, fuck. Where were the goddamn cops when the dude stole the hubcaps off of Shore's light brown 1992 Escort last year, the 27-year-old line cook would reportedly like to fucking know. The ticket, which Shore will have to work five whole fucking hours at his shitty fucking job just to pay, was placed on his vehicle by the asshole fucking Nazi parking patrol shortly after noon. Jesus fuck.

You Want A Piece Of Me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. I see you standing over there with the hungry look in your eye. Something bothering you? Something gnawing at your gut? Huh? You want a piece of me, is that it? You want a piece of me?

Vehicular Search And Seizure

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you think of the court's decision to expand police powers and limit the rights of criminal suspects?

Taking Care Of Business

After I returned from the Zweibel Estate following several months of wandering in the cruel wilderness, I found that my study was full to bursting with paper-work and correspondence, much of which predated my time in penurious exile. There were multitudes of dunning letters from vulturous creditors who called in their debts upon learning of my misfortune. It seemed that every trades-man in the county, from the black-smith to the chandler, came out of the wood-work to proclaim that T. Herman Zweibel was beholden to them. So, upon the restoration of my fortune, I had my man-servant Standish pay what was owed to these craven bastards, then sent my Swiss Guard out to burn their rude shops to the ground. Now they know who's boss!
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Shopping Mall Opens With Help Of Richard Dean Anderson

ALBANY, OR—Shopping for brand-name merchandise at everyday low prices became easier for the greater Albany area Saturday, as the new Westvale Mall opened for business with the help of Richard Dean Anderson, TV's "MacGyver."

Westvale Mall, visited on opening day by celebrity Richard Dean Anderson (inset).

"Mr. Anderson, we welcome you to Albany and take great pride in presenting you with this golden key to the Westvale Mall," said Albany deputy mayor Brenda DeLisle at the opening ceremony, which drew an estimated 45 local residents eager for a glimpse of the star.

"It gives me great pleasure to be a part of this momentous occasion," said the scissors-wielding Anderson at the emotional peak of the three-minute ceremony. "I'd rather be shopping than defusing bombs and scaling buildings, that's for sure!"

"Well, thank you all for coming. I hereby open Westvale Mall," added Anderson, who played the role of maverick gadgetry expert MacGyver in the action/adventure series of the same name on ABC from 1985 to 1992. He then severed the yellow plastic ribbon stretching across the mall's main entrance and stood aside as the crowd rushed into the new complex.

"It was wonderful of Mr. Dean Anderson to help open a new mall out here," area resident Paul Davis said. "I think the drive to get here is a little shorter than to the CenterPoint Mall, so that will be good."

"Also," he added, "I hear the mall is going to have a Radio Shack. I'm definitely for that."

Local retiree Helen Coyne, among the first to walk through a tinted glass door held open by Anderson, was also thankful for the star's contribution to the city.

"I don't watch so much television these days, except for my shopping shows," Coyne said. "But Richard D. Anderson was very handsome, and I'm sure his show will be very funny when it comes on."

The formal ribbon-cutting ceremony was followed by a "Richard Dean Anderson look-alike contest" held in front of the new Earring Tree inside the mall. "That was pretty cool seeing MacGyver," said area plumber Steve Framisch, who won a $20 J.C. Penney gift certificate by placing second among the three contestants.

The contest, which simply involved Anderson standing in a line with the other three men, was judged by Lauren Ziegler, 1999's Miss Teen Linn County.

"It said on the poster that [Anderson] was on General Hospital, so I asked him about that," Ziegler said. "But it turns out he was on back in the '70s. I was like, 'No wonder I don't remember you. I wasn't even born then!'"

After the contest, Albany Chamber of Commerce President Wallace Crimmon made it "his personal business" to ensure Anderson's comfort and happiness for the remainder of his several-hour stay in Albany.

Crimmon urged the visiting celebrity to order whatever he wanted from any restaurant in the food court "on the house." Then, hovering over Anderson as he drank an Orange Julius drink, he offered him a choice of "Albany: We're Going Places" souvenir T-shirts from the "Made In Oregon" kiosk.

In return, Anderson gave Crimmon, who later described the accomplished actor as "awe-inspiring," his agent's card in case he could be of assistance again in the future.

"As much as I enjoy my many acting projects, I also love having opportunities to come out and meet my public," Anderson said as he quickly signed an autograph for a developmentally disabled mall patron. "It's very rewarding to participate in an exciting event for the shopping community of Alberta."

"I could stay here for a week, if I didn't have a boat show to do in Lincoln City tomorrow," Anderson added. "By the way, what time is it?"

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