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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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'Shot Clock, Game Clock Off By About 3 Seconds,' Reports Clark Kellogg For 86th Time During Timeout

INDIANAPOLIS—With 22 seconds remaining in the first half of Friday’s Louisville-Oregon Sweet 16 matchup, CBS color commentator Clark Kellogg has reportedly mentioned the three-second differential between the shot clock and game clock approximately 86 times during a full timeout called by the Cardinals. “I just want to remind the audience at home that the shot clock and game clock are off by about three seconds,” said Kellogg for the 42nd time during the timeout, moments before observing that the shot clock and game clock were off by about three seconds. “The Cardinals have to be thinking about how the shot clock and game clock are off by about three seconds. The fact that the shot clock and game clock are off by about three seconds has to be on the minds of the Ducks, too.” At press time, Louisville guard Peyton Siva had just received the inbound pass as Kellogg began re-emphasizing the implications of the shot clock and the game clock being off by about three seconds.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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