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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Showers With Girlfriend Increasingly Cleansing-Focused

TALLAHASSEE, FL— Over the past two months, Jeff Pinnock's showers with girlfriend Angela Dunn have gradually shifted in focus from sex play to actual body-cleansing. "When we first started dating, she'd ask me to 'wash' her breasts, and I'd ask her to help me soap up my penis," the 23-year-old Pinnock disclosed Monday. "Now, we both mostly just clean ourselves."

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