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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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Showers With Girlfriend Increasingly Cleansing-Focused

TALLAHASSEE, FL— Over the past two months, Jeff Pinnock's showers with girlfriend Angela Dunn have gradually shifted in focus from sex play to actual body-cleansing. "When we first started dating, she'd ask me to 'wash' her breasts, and I'd ask her to help me soap up my penis," the 23-year-old Pinnock disclosed Monday. "Now, we both mostly just clean ourselves."

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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