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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Shrewd Umpire Not About To Be Fooled By Catcher Moving Glove Into Strike Zone

SAN FRANCISCO—In a statement issued after Wednesday night's Rockies-Giants contest, home plate umpire Laz Diaz warned all catchers around the league that he is "onto their little game," and is easily able to tell when they slyly move their glove into the strike zone after catching a pitch off the plate. "You catchers seem to think that I was born yesterday," the statement, which called the catchers' tactics "dishonest, immature, and tantamount to cheating," read in part. "Some of you even believe you can fool me by holding your glove there for an extra long time, as if to say, 'See, I'm holding it here like this because it was a strike.' Well, this umpire is not falling for that. Not today, not ever." Diaz further stated that a batter who removes his elbow protector, drops his bat, and begins heading to first base will never coax him into calling ball four.

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