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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Shrimp Boat Captain Worn Out From Long Day Of Putting Human Face On Crisis

VENICE, LA—Fourth-generation shrimp boat captain Buford Comeaux said Wednesday that he was wiped out from a 14-hour day spent personifying the human toll of the BP oil spill in the media. "They get me out of bed at the crack of dawn, and they make me do interviews all morning," said Comeaux, 49, who acknowledged he had lost track of how many times he had uttered the phrase 'shrimping is all I know' since the disaster began in April. "Then the rest of the day they take pictures of me staring at my empty trawl, holding my wife's hand on the living-room sofa, or gazing out at the Gulf from the deck of my boat. God, I could just collapse right here." Comeaux reportedly slept heavily for four hours before waking at sunrise so CNN could shoot some B-roll of him walking forlornly down a pier.

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