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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Shrimp Would Be Pissed If He Could See The Lame Party He’s Going To Be Served At

MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at. “God, he’d be so mad if he knew about all the lame, boring losers who will be quietly milling around the snack table where he’s going to be laid out,” a source close to the shrimp reported, adding that the small ocean-dwelling decapod would likely become enraged if he were aware of the pitifully low turnout, the halting, awkward exchanges that will pass for conversation, and the grossly skewed male-to-female ratio at the uneventful and short-lived gathering of individuals where he will grow lukewarm alongside several of his fellow over-boiled crustaceans. “I can only imagine the horrified look on his face if he could hear all the sorry excuses that attendees will make about why they have to leave as he sits there curled over the edge of a bowl of runny cocktail sauce. Oh man, if he knew he was going to wind up in a room of barely a dozen people constantly checking their phones instead of interacting, he’d freak the fuck out.” At press time, sources were resolving not to inform the shrimp of his eventual fate, speculating that he might actually sink into a profound and debilitating depression if he had any idea that by 10 p.m. the music would be turned off and he would be getting dumped in the garbage.

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