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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Shrimp Would Be Pissed If He Could See The Lame Party He’s Going To Be Served At

MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at. “God, he’d be so mad if he knew about all the lame, boring losers who will be quietly milling around the snack table where he’s going to be laid out,” a source close to the shrimp reported, adding that the small ocean-dwelling decapod would likely become enraged if he were aware of the pitifully low turnout, the halting, awkward exchanges that will pass for conversation, and the grossly skewed male-to-female ratio at the uneventful and short-lived gathering of individuals where he will grow lukewarm alongside several of his fellow over-boiled crustaceans. “I can only imagine the horrified look on his face if he could hear all the sorry excuses that attendees will make about why they have to leave as he sits there curled over the edge of a bowl of runny cocktail sauce. Oh man, if he knew he was going to wind up in a room of barely a dozen people constantly checking their phones instead of interacting, he’d freak the fuck out.” At press time, sources were resolving not to inform the shrimp of his eventual fate, speculating that he might actually sink into a profound and debilitating depression if he had any idea that by 10 p.m. the music would be turned off and he would be getting dumped in the garbage.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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